Monday, January 24, 2011

The Hurt...

Today marks the due date of our son "Joseph Shaw Fasnacht". Obviously I am not expecting, anymore, and there is no baby to be. This past June Ryan and I experienced a miscarriage. I fear that my holding onto my thoughts, feeling, etc. that I am being held still in my walk. I truly believe that God uses the pressure of this world to mold us into the beauty that he sees.

I was only two months pregnant...But I was two months pregnant.

Let me express my thanks and gratitude to Jesus for the life of my never to be born son. Though memories are few they are powerful! Late April 2010 my oldest son Graham approached me, placing his had on my belly, and said "Mommy my baby brother is in there" to which I replied "Well then you better pray for him" Chuckling to myself. Graham did pray, right there, and then again later, and then at many meals and bedtime prayers. He often prayed such as "please make my brother not sick and let us play with him, Amen". Being that these were the prayers of a four year old I never thought about why he would be asking that his brother would no longer be sick. Soon after Mother's Day it was confirmed that Graham had indeed been correct, we were expecting. We were thrilled at the idea or another child. Though I had been positive that God had shown me that child number five would come through adoption. I found myself questioning if I was hearing God wrong or just wishing for another adoption? I think soon after we confirmed that I was pregnant I could feel God again confirming that child number five would enter the Fasnacht family through adoption. I don't know about you but I am one who believes that my God leads me to and so I became quite saddened by the truth that this baby most likely would not make it to term. During the weeks of my pregnancy I found myself praying for the safety and well being of Graham, Everett, Israel, and Aurora and I was praying for the little soul inside me to find purpose. During my prayers God would support me by leading "I love you enough", "Trust me", "If you will let me I will use you". The last Sunday in May I walked into church with a complete sense of loss. I had not lost anything but I felt as if the world was shrinking and I was left alone. I prayed for a sign "if Matt sings the hurricane song everything will be well". I know that was my beig a mother and wanting everything to be fine and to be back in control. As my prayer ended the music began to the next song "the hurricane song" (not the proper name just what I call it :) I felt my hope rising until I saw that it was not to be Matt that sang that song but Kim his wife. Inside I melted, I was terrified of losing the baby, and I was thankful that God was reveling it to me. I believe that we have a very loving God who knew that Kim singing that song would be a kind way of saying what was to come. She had lost a child and was still up on stage singing how much God loves us. In the core of my being I was sure all would be well, but how long would that take? I remember asking God that if I must loose the baby please let it be sooner rather then later...

Two days later at my sons therapy appointment all hell broke loose. Even with the knowledge that this child most likely would not make it to term the actual act of miscarrying was terrifying. My poor Graham had to be with me. He was crying and yelling at God saying "I asked for the baby to stop being sick" and then at the nurse that had to take my blood "you better put the baby back in my mommy". Seeing the fear and lose in his eyes was heart stopping. This is a child who never shows true emotion. God was already using "Shaw's" precious little soul to help his older brother experience true emotion. I hold onto the image of Graham to remember that even when we are in total ruin God is already seen the other side and it is one of beauty.

I need to say that having a miscarriage is not the most gripping pain I ave ever experienced though it is the most piercing. It attacks during times of Joy and times of sorrow. I will never glimpse his little face, his tiny fingers and toes, I will never know the sound of his voice...this sadness still shocks me. I am confident in the road ahead but sad for me that this little boy will not be with me.

I was two months into falling head over heels in love with a new little man. I have four children and know the love and joy that we experience through them. I had thoughts, hopes, and dreams of our future as a family, and any plans after January 2011 included a new joy "Shaw". We made early preparations for him, such as the purchase of my boys triple bunk bed. My son Israel requires a long transition time and so we started as early as possible to allow for him to adjust to the move and the thought of a new baby. We rearrange out room making room for a crib. We prepared the kids for thoughts of a new brother or sister. We did and did for nothing?

Nothing...that is what I kept coming to in my mind. I have nothing to show for this pregnancy. The plans were for nothing. My thoughts, hopes, and dreams where for nothing...But what if I make the choice to open my eyes and see the something in the nothing? After all, God has promised me beauty from ashes.

I believe this particular path that I was allowed to journey has given me a deeper knowledge of how my sons mothers must feel. I didn't choose for my baby to die, I can't change what happened, it is totally out of my control. My sons mothers did not choose to place them for adoption, they cannot change what has happened, and they have no control over their sons futures. Wow-I truly love them more every time I think of baby "Shaw"

Through all the "mud" this world throws at me my God still remains in control. Though I will never understand some of the hurt we endure I am positive He will use all my hurt for good somewhere. Though it is up to me to choose everyday to allow the hurt, the pressure to form me into who I am meant to be...A beautiful example of Gods love.

In conclusion I was to thank Jesus again for the life and soul of my son Joseph Shaw Fasnacht. Though he will never touch anyone, his impression on me is everlasting.

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