Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Peace in the panic...

Yesterday my world was shaken. My child who struggles with violence decided to hurt his little sister. This does not happen in our home, his violence is always directed towards an adult who is in charge. When I say "violence" I am not meaning pushing, hitting, kicking for the intention of  getting a toy back or "just being kids". I am talking about violence in a true form or planned out intentional acts to seriously harm another person with no provoking from the other party. The details of yesterday are not what is important here. I allowed this behavioral outburst to shake me to the point of not seeing what God was trying to show me. He was answering in a very concrete way a question that I have been asking over and over recently. I have been begging God to show me what I will do when my son is bigger then me. It took a phone call with a good friend this am who pointed out that God had answered, not just answered but shown me.

You see when God asked us to parent this child he was not just asking us to parent him he was equipping us to parent him. I do not know why I was blind to this and just now see. God has also given us two other fiercely protective boys. These two love their siblings and parents and it shows in their actions. They were so fast to jump to their sisters aide and alert me to the situation I could not have asked for anything better! I have always looked past what is right in front of other sons. They are here for so many reasons but one of those was to help me keep their brother safe from himself. They did not jump in and start hurting him they pulled him away and kept him safe from himself until I got there. They knew exactly what to do not to escalate the situation. They have lived in this world with me and have been learning right beside me and I did not see it. Something else we learned yesterday is that all the empowering teaching we have been doing with the little sister, due to her PTSD brought about by his violence, is that it has worked in a big way! She said that yes she was scared but she knew she could defend herself and she felt very protected by Jesus, her brothers and her mommy. She is developing into a fantastic girl.

Gods plans are so much bigger then we will ever see. My moment of panic has brought about a new peace. A peace only available from the one who made me. I am so thankful for my sons short comings that help form him into the man that God intends him to be. Possibly with out this childhood struggle with violence he would never be able to master the ability to calm those urges and he just needs years and years of practice.

Friends and family I challenge you, be thankful even for the ugly because some of the best clarity comes during a moment of panic.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Rage on Boy...


It happened...


guess how long it lasted?



Prayer and Essential Oils!!!!!

Seriously people. This is freaking fantastic! A typical full rage lasts at a minimum 45mins ON MEDICATION!!!!!!! He was full blow as we call it...Ryan asked him to clean up for supper and BAM gone just like that! He was growling, screaming, and hitting at Ryan when I got outside to see what was going on. I have the "you have two choices either clean up or go to bed"...he growled...I reminded him "I will now count to 3 if I reach 3 I will make the choice for you". I could see there was NO WAY he would be backing down or calming down or whatever you want to call it at this point. For those of you reading please know I do not mean a typical childhood tantrum where they cry for a while and throw a couple things...I am talking someone was going to end up in the hospital if we did not handle this correctly. I got to 3 and asked Ryan to carry him inside to his bedroom. The whole time he was clawing at Ryan and hitting, kicking, screaming things you never want to hear anyone say...On the way to his room I was panicking in my head thinking what medications do I have on hand to knock this kid out (per the Dr) so that we do not end up at the ER...Ryan placed him onto his floor and went for my oils bag. When Ryan returned he was still screaming at me but I caught a look on his face when he saw the bag that is not common during these rages...hope...he looked like he actually thought I could help him. I flipped him to his belly and dropped peace and calming, peppermint, and valor down his spine and massaged it up and down then out to the sides trying to push it into his little body. The whole time I am praying that God would lead my hands and choose the oils bc I was still scared. I flipped him back to his back and applied peppermint on his head, release to his neck and behind his ears and then joy to his heart. Though I could tell he was trying to stay mad his body very quickly started to relax! I asked him what he thought he needed to do and he replied "pray". He prayed a very sweet prayer to Jesus and then I asked what he should do next and he BURST INTO REAL TEARS and said "say sorry to daddy". He jumped up off the floor and embraced Ryan for a long time sobbing that he was so sorry he made a poor choice and he wants to stay calm. We talked about how he now needed to return to outside and follow through on cleaning up. He turned to walk upstairs paused looked over his shoulder at me and a whole new set of tears started as he ran into my arms and cried for a while THANING ME for helping him to calm down with oils!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM STILL IN AWE. I cannot put a dollar amount on what this is worth to us as a family. My son is HEALING in front of our eyes.

Please continue to pray with us! I know that through Jesus this is possible. In the moment it seemed like all hope was gone...actually it was just waiting for me to find it :)

So Rage on my Boy Rage on...healing is a comin...

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Walk along with us...

I am opening the flood gates and inviting everyone along on this (hopefully) path of healing. As many of my friends and family know one of my sons struggles with anger and aggression. He has been on his current meds now for over a year and I am feeling prompted to get them out of his system...

HERES THE CATCH...I have done this quite a few times before and each and every time it has ended horribly and we needed fast acting medication to basically force him to sleep and pumped him full of more chemicals to even his temper. I HATE THIS I have hated it sense we started BUT I do think that sometimes God uses these medications to aide in healing! If you are going to follow this journey do not expect just a nice clear pathway and beware that I will be sharing full truth. I am praying that we are able to do this BUT we may end up back on medication. The safety of this child and all family members around him is more important then my wanting him to be medicine free.

What is the plan...In April/May 2014 I dove head first into Young Living Essential oils and have been LOVING them! I started them right away on my son and within a month we cut out the morning dose of this current medication. He loves the way they smell and he says they "help me feel calm". I am basically just winging it when it comes to what we are using. I let him test them all out and what we came down to out of the stock I have at home is as follows...

Panaway on his neck and down his back whenever he is starting to feel angry.
Peace and Calming on his feet, hands, and temples if he is ALREADY mad.
Stress Away all day before any angry feelings.

We use all of the above at night before bed and then throughout the day as needed.

He likes a combo of Stress Away, Joy, and panaway if we are going out somewhere. We apply the stress away to his wrists, I draw a heart on his chest with the joy (just bc it is cute!) and put panaway on his shoulders or neck. We always apply Thieves in some form when leaning home.

I just got Cypress oil and started that last night for bedwetting...I think the bedwetting is from the medication. I also just received Release which I am praying will open new pathways in this amazing little boys brain.

That brings us to the here and now. Last night we stopped all medication. NO prescription mood stabilizer NO melatonin...just oils (and exercise and good food). Going to sleep took a lot longer then normal. 40 mins as compared to 10 but there are other factors there as well (like mommy hitting a fruit stand yesterday). Tonight my plan is to put a diffuser in their room to aide with sleep.

The medication he was on leaves the system in 12 hours. We have had enough blood work to show that this is basically true. His day so far has been wonderful no issues that you would not expect from a typical boy. I am looking forward to traveling this path and excited to see where it leads!

One very important thing to remember is that the everything that we are doing we are asking Jesus first. I would say that I chat with my creator and his son hundreds of times throughout the day! I feel complete peace in using Young Living oils for my children and that PEACE comes from my God. If you have any interest in what a relationship with someone you cannot see is like PLEASE ASK ME ANYTHING! I "see" Jesus so many times a day it is so reassuring that even my mistakes can be turned into something good.

Please pray with us in complete healing for my little man.



Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Jello and Kidney Stones...

My level of transparency on my current well being has been very shady. I feared that I would easily lose the trust of my children if I continued to allow myself the ability to process who I am and who I want to be through written word.

That stops tonight.

I have always known that part of my way to process anything was to write it down. I have tons of notebooks filled with my thoughts and transparencies from early through a couple years ago. Now I don't just enjoy the thrill of writing the words down and the time alone I get with Jesus to process what those words say back to me, I enjoy the thrill of having others read what I share and giving their opinions. I enjoy their kind comments, the advice from strangers, the reassurance that all will be ok, and even the comments that taste like hot lava running down my throat. Now as with everything else there truly is only one opinion that matters to me and that opinion belongs to Jesus. No matter which way to spin the Jesus thing I am totally one hundred percent in. I am sure that my Jesus loves me even when no one else does. I am sure that my Jesus smiles with me, enjoys my children with me, takes on challenges with me, and catches me when the entire world gets torn from beneath my feet.

"Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree" I LOVE that quote. If I had to sum up my experience of raising an 18 year for under 6 months it would be something like "Raising a teenager is like having a gag tied around your mouth, chains around your body and being anchored to the bottom of a far off lake." It is lonely and tiring and one of the worst things God has ever asked me to be a part of. I have had a few hard hits over the past 4 years all starting with learning that my marriage was a lie, terribly difficult pregnancy, terribly difficult adoption, kidney stones, kids getting kicked out of school, violent kids, hospital stay after hospital stay. money crap, MONO. Though everyone has their list and mine is neither easier or harder just different. Over the past four years I have lost most of who I should be. Don't read that wrong I am extremely strong willed and have not lost totally who I am just who I should be. The past 6 months have been the ones where I cannot even try to hold my head above water, it honestly is no wonder that I have mono. Jesus had to give it a name so I would be willing to share with others how low I have sunk. I feel so defeated in terms of parenting an 18 year old. I have tried hard to give her space, be involved, get to know her friends but not be the annoying mom. I have cared beyond cared about this child and everything I do is thrown back in my face. I am completely used to this with my younger ones but to have an adult verbally assault me on a regular just does something to you. I have spent more time on the phone or in the office or at the hospital or at therapy with this child than any other over the past 6 months. I find myself often imagining what Jesus must feel like with how defiantly we live our lives. How often do we tell him no and just do what we want. I think that God is using this experience to answer my years long prayer to allow me to see others as He sees them but he flipped my intent. I wanted to have more compassion and instead he is showing me the ugly in me. I wanted to look on my enemies with kindness and instead I get to experience someone screaming out to me "why do you even care, I don't want you to care". I am being broken.

Now in the past 6 months I have seen true heartache from this child. I have seen what trauma looks like on an 18 year old face and it has crushed me. I would not trade these terrible 6 months, the growth that I have seen is wonderful. I have seen her feel good about accomplishments and experience joy with the family. I have seen her really put effort into some things. That is what makes where I sit right now so difficult. She is 18, she is an adult, and she is choosing to not follow the house rules. I stand at a cross roads and I honestly am not sure which way I will turn. I cannot keep up the way that I am or my next post will be from a hospital bed. I need a break, I need to be able to take a breath.

Loving others does not always feel good. It is not always saying yes, it is not always coming to the rescue of your children's mistakes. Love sometimes hurts and no matter which way this all goes, tomorrow someone will be hurting. Ugh, so in this story Love almost equals hurt...I don't like that.

I have felt like if I quit I would get a break but God spoke LOUD and FIRM through the voice of a constable at LCBC. He told me "Every fight is worth it" ,"KEEP FIGHTING" he shared a bit of his story and then lovingly said "I appreciate what you are doing for her, she NEEDS you!" I promise it was as if I had a conversation with God himself; I could feel Him speaking into me. I don't know what this means for tomorrow but I do know that I am letting the chains go and not going to feel guilty for sharing the difficulties of parenting a teen.

Some days I feel bad for Ryan. This is NOT his chosen is where Jesus wants him but it is still a bit of a stretch. He is the man stuck in the middle now with the hormonal teen and the wounded wife. I think everyone needs to get him some soda :)...Though being that today is our 9 year anniversary I think he should count himself as lucky! Not all men get a wife who can hold her own in fist fights, talk to doctors like they are speaking English, understand enough Amharic to keep our girls in line and at the end of the day he does not need to get me jewelry because I make my own stones.