Saturday, August 27, 2016

overly confident...

In the months we prepared to become foster parents, all those years ago, by far the greatest fear that we heard from others was "what will that do to your biological children". Now please note at the time I was still an overly confident twenty one year old who was positive that I was going to change the world. I thought that others were crazy to worry about my biological children, who were not even a thought yet, and goodness they were scared what my foster children would do to them? I am so glad that not only was I confident in my ability to change the world I was a million times more confident in my Gods ability to go before me and ensure that we walked in the right direction.  I was recently prompted by a very close friend to "imagine what it would be like with only my biological children". Together we went through Aurora and Selah's little lives. I would be a mother with two living biological children and 1 dead biological child. That would be the extent of my parenting. Auroras birth was extremely typical, I would have raised and loved a very typical daughter for three years, though a loss and then on to birth Selah. Selahs pregnancy brought devastating health situations for me and her. Selahs birth was so traumatic I think I would have been lost in postpartum and her health deteriorated so quickly I could have completely lost myself. If it were only those two just as I was getting a grasp on Selahs health Aurora would have started to have her episodes
requiring tons of attention. Processing through that possibility is absolutely terrifying!!!! I want to scream praises to Jesus for asking us to become foster parents first, for adopting first, for my boys needs to be first. I needed to walk a gradual up hill battle to build up the strength needed to have my biological children. Through my first children's needs I learned how to navigate the insurance world. I was introduced to all the children's hospital within a 3 hour radius and I built wonderful relationships with many many Doctors and nurses who would be needed every step of the way in my biological children's medical journeys. I can understand why others were so fearful of an overly confident 21 year old! I can understand why they would be fearful that the trauma that foster care brings would alter us forever and I can say that they were absolutely correct that it has forever altered us! It has impacted my biological children but it is not in the way that produces fear. The creation of my family has always been in God's timing. Some of my best moments are when I can connect tiny pieces together. I had no real reason to adopt before we had biological children other then a burning desire that I can only describe as a "need" placed there by Jesus. I can now look back and see that I was no where ready to handle Aurora or Selah. I can say that the compassion that all of my children have developed for each other from each others struggles is something the is continuously needed. Aurora had three years to learn how to truly love another who cannot currently love you back before her medically needy little sister was born. We have never struggled with sibling jealously just loads of love for each other. Aurora had already seen, heard and experienced many many hospital settings and doctors offices in her life before her episodes started making her fear level much lower. My children have watched their siblings be healed from things and heard Doctors shock and awe over them! Selah's allergist told the children it was a miracle and maybe Jesus is real. They believe that Jesus is powerful and they truly believe that they will someday change the world!

So as I sit here, still an overly confident now 31 year old I still have the belief that I can change the world. My children are living proof that the world can be changed, altered for the better. We can take broken things and through Jesus they are made whole! I am raising eight, confident, world changers who daily struggle with sin and watch as they and others around them are forgiven. I am raising children who believe in healing but who also believe in the need for suffering. I am raising children who are so much better together than they ever would have been apart. I am raising the children that God knew would need me and I have discovered along the way that I need them.

Today I am praising Jesus for perspective!