Alone...

I am struggling with the urge to write this. Worried that I am going to offend people, worried that I am going to upset my family, worried that my friends will look differently at me. I have been on the verge of this post for a while now...so here it goes.

I feel so alone...so very very alone. I know that Jesus is here and I KNOW that I always have HIM. BUT while here on this earth I do wish that I did not feel so alone. I am the ONLY one who knows how to feed, change, or care for Selah's tube...no...one...else...I am alone. Maybe I am not ever physically alone, but I feel alone...alone on this path to finding answers as to why my child cannot eat, will not grow with out this elemental formula. The person I currently feel safest with is my children's pediatrician...isn't that sad. I feel like she is the only one who truly believe me, sees how difficult it is to walk Selah's path...she sees that the boys are ALWAYS needing my full attention and I cannot give it with Selah now needing ALL my attention...There have been many offers for help...and please do not think that those have gone unnoticed I am VERY APPRECIATIVE of EVERYONE who has helped with anything!!! I just am just left feeling alone...

I feel alone because these things that I encounter are an everyday all day no end in sight kind of things...and help is offered like what is offered for a new mother just coming home from the hospital.

EVERYDAY I am beaten up, spit on, talked back to, verbally abused, contacted by the school, talk to Drs, take care of feeding tubes, does meds, try to find answers and PRAY FOR HELP...I feel like I am completely stuck in quick sand and everyone around me just expects that it will all be fine...its Dani she can do it...but I am tired...and I am alone.

My friends who I want so badly to come closer have seemed to want to give me space...I am alone

Trust me when I say I KNOW that I am not truly ALONE just feel so so alone...and I cannot even say what would make a difference.

I do not long for a flood of friends and family to now try...I have learned how to swallow the alone pill and I still very much enjoy my life...

I will enjoy the path with Selah...I will run fast and hard to help all my children even if when I reach the end I am still alone...