Saturday, December 26, 2015

Praying for a refill...

If anyone is reading this beware. I am over tired and under thinking even before I am allowing myself to type these words.

Guys, I am grasping for breath and running out of the fight it takes to brake the surface and inhale. The worst part is that this is happening in full public view, as if I were in a glass box in the middle of town. I have reached out for help, begged for help, cried out to girlfriends and family and most of them offer to pray for me, which is fantastic if it is true. Thankfully the violence level in my home is at an all time low (praise Jesus) we are seeing huge progress in some areas. I am able to see the joy in all of that though I have lost my ability to feel any happiness attached to that joy. Physically I have too many things going on chat about here but just know the daily physical pain is getting to me.

I finally see the path to true healing for my children, true unconditional love. As in TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love that hurts and is messy. Love with little happiness and tiny rewards. Love with an unimaginable amount of grace. Love that no matter what refuses to give up...this takes years and years and apologies and grace and forgives. This take truly placing yourself last to those you are loving. This takes being "beaten" and "abused" time and time again knowing that it is  their defensive shield and not the scared child who is terrified to allow you in.

The problem with this new sight is that I have been viewing those in my life with a new perspective. I now wonder why those who can see me dying can offer nothing more then prayers. Goodness if this is the view that the world has on "Christians" I don't want to stand anywhere near that label or thought pattern. I officially am no longer a Christian. I am and forever will be a Christ Follower but I fear I have wandered too far away from "modern Christianity" I cannot live a life full of people who promise prayer just to get out of tangible assistance.

In this moment of physical pain and emotional death I am screaming praises that I can see the lies.  I am overly thrilled that we found "home" for some of my children in an amazing private school that takes part of my burden. I can see Jesus in my life every single day. I will never lose trust in who Jesus is. My forever is here and now just hurts like hell. The daily fight is overwhelming. Fighting the public school system sucks me dry and clinging to my children's healing is wearing me thin.

If anyone would please join me in really praying that someone would want to love me unconditionally, seems stupid and desperate to even ask that. My pride is at my feet. See I have experienced that love before and it is wonderful. I need healing and health so that I can continue being everything my children need. God would not have placed each of these children/mini adults in my care without having a plan to refill me over and over. Begging for that refill now.