I LOVE being a MOM...I HATE feeling judged for the kind of mom I NEED to be. I would love have "typically developing children" who's biggest struggles were potty training and sleeping through the night. It is moments such as this that it is tough to see the joy in my "Extra Parenting". Today one of my therapy staff told me that some others on our team believe that I am "just looking for a babysitter"...honestly do they really believe that I would allow them to be at my house 20 plus hours a weeks if I did not NEED them to be? My choice would be to raise my children to love the Lord and NOT have to have so many therapies. That is where the "feeling judged" is coming in, "when it rains it pours", right. I am currently battling with the Donegal School District for Graham and Everett, taking on Everett's insurance company and wrap around services and facing the reality that one of my children has "traumatized" another of my children bad enough to give them the label of PTSD...Do I sacrifice one for many or many for one? Every time I ask myself that question God makes it very clear that the one is WORTH IT! and God has the others...and I KNOW HE DOES, but you know when you just cannot feel it...I just want done with the trauma crap and the recurring trauma due to continuing behaviors that I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR SERVICES over ugh...
Tomorrow I have 3 hours of in home therapy from 9-12...then taking my "newly traumatised" child to therapy from 1:30-2:15 rushing home to take another one to an eval (that is necessary for those services that I fight for) from 3:30-4:30, coming home making dinner getting 4 kids settled and rushing out again to yet another therapy appointment from 7-8...I am not sharing this for pity or praise just transparency...
The teachers, principals, therapy staff, other parents, friends, family, co-workers, anyone that interacts with my family PLEASE understand that I am running a marathon that I did not have time to train for, I was thrown into the mix and forced to run or fail. At times there are sprints that leave me breathless and exhausted, such as this time. I am asking for understanding that my children's needs change on a daily basis. I am asking for forgiveness that I may fail sometimes with returning calls, texts, e-mails, school papers, smiles. I cannot be everything that everyone wants me to be...but I can be EVERYTHING that God has asked me to be!
So to end my rant...please know that if I can succeed at running this marathon YOU can succeed at ANYTHING that GOD asks you to do!! My attitude is not always JOY filled but my spirit is always renewed in Him!!!!
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