The Hurt...

Today marks the due date of our son "Joseph Shaw Fasnacht". Obviously I am not expecting, anymore, and there is no baby to be. This past June Ryan and I experienced a miscarriage. I fear that my holding onto my thoughts, feeling, etc. that I am being held still in my walk. I truly believe that God uses the pressure of this world to mold us into the beauty that he sees.

I was only two months pregnant...But I was two months pregnant.

Let me express my thanks and gratitude to Jesus for the life of my never to be born son. Though memories are few they are powerful! Late April 2010 my oldest son Graham approached me, placing his had on my belly, and said "Mommy my baby brother is in there" to which I replied "Well then you better pray for him" Chuckling to myself. Graham did pray, right there, and then again later, and then at many meals and bedtime prayers. He often prayed such as "please make my brother not sick and let us play with him, Amen". Being that these were the prayers of a four year old I never thought about why he would be asking that his brother would no longer be sick. Soon after Mother's Day it was confirmed that Graham had indeed been correct, we were expecting. We were thrilled at the idea or another child. Though I had been positive that God had shown me that child number five would come through adoption. I found myself questioning if I was hearing God wrong or just wishing for another adoption? I think soon after we confirmed that I was pregnant I could feel God again confirming that child number five would enter the Fasnacht family through adoption. I don't know about you but I am one who believes that my God leads me to and so I became quite saddened by the truth that this baby most likely would not make it to term. During the weeks of my pregnancy I found myself praying for the safety and well being of Graham, Everett, Israel, and Aurora and I was praying for the little soul inside me to find purpose. During my prayers God would support me by leading "I love you enough", "Trust me", "If you will let me I will use you". The last Sunday in May I walked into church with a complete sense of loss. I had not lost anything but I felt as if the world was shrinking and I was left alone. I prayed for a sign "if Matt sings the hurricane song everything will be well". I know that was my beig a mother and wanting everything to be fine and to be back in control. As my prayer ended the music began to the next song "the hurricane song" (not the proper name just what I call it :) I felt my hope rising until I saw that it was not to be Matt that sang that song but Kim his wife. Inside I melted, I was terrified of losing the baby, and I was thankful that God was reveling it to me. I believe that we have a very loving God who knew that Kim singing that song would be a kind way of saying what was to come. She had lost a child and was still up on stage singing how much God loves us. In the core of my being I was sure all would be well, but how long would that take? I remember asking God that if I must loose the baby please let it be sooner rather then later...

Two days later at my sons therapy appointment all hell broke loose. Even with the knowledge that this child most likely would not make it to term the actual act of miscarrying was terrifying. My poor Graham had to be with me. He was crying and yelling at God saying "I asked for the baby to stop being sick" and then at the nurse that had to take my blood "you better put the baby back in my mommy". Seeing the fear and lose in his eyes was heart stopping. This is a child who never shows true emotion. God was already using "Shaw's" precious little soul to help his older brother experience true emotion. I hold onto the image of Graham to remember that even when we are in total ruin God is already seen the other side and it is one of beauty.

I need to say that having a miscarriage is not the most gripping pain I ave ever experienced though it is the most piercing. It attacks during times of Joy and times of sorrow. I will never glimpse his little face, his tiny fingers and toes, I will never know the sound of his voice...this sadness still shocks me. I am confident in the road ahead but sad for me that this little boy will not be with me.

I was two months into falling head over heels in love with a new little man. I have four children and know the love and joy that we experience through them. I had thoughts, hopes, and dreams of our future as a family, and any plans after January 2011 included a new joy "Shaw". We made early preparations for him, such as the purchase of my boys triple bunk bed. My son Israel requires a long transition time and so we started as early as possible to allow for him to adjust to the move and the thought of a new baby. We rearrange out room making room for a crib. We prepared the kids for thoughts of a new brother or sister. We did and did for nothing?

Nothing...that is what I kept coming to in my mind. I have nothing to show for this pregnancy. The plans were for nothing. My thoughts, hopes, and dreams where for nothing...But what if I make the choice to open my eyes and see the something in the nothing? After all, God has promised me beauty from ashes.

I believe this particular path that I was allowed to journey has given me a deeper knowledge of how my sons mothers must feel. I didn't choose for my baby to die, I can't change what happened, it is totally out of my control. My sons mothers did not choose to place them for adoption, they cannot change what has happened, and they have no control over their sons futures. Wow-I truly love them more every time I think of baby "Shaw"

Through all the "mud" this world throws at me my God still remains in control. Though I will never understand some of the hurt we endure I am positive He will use all my hurt for good somewhere. Though it is up to me to choose everyday to allow the hurt, the pressure to form me into who I am meant to be...A beautiful example of Gods love.

In conclusion I was to thank Jesus again for the life and soul of my son Joseph Shaw Fasnacht. Though he will never touch anyone, his impression on me is everlasting.

And so it begins...

I am sitting (hiding) in my basement while wonderful woman from "Merry Maids" clean my house. This marks the beginning of my homestudy, yes the paperwork was a beginning but this is a different beginning. The caseworker coming out to the house tonight will be writing a report and detailing our family's personal life in that report. She will also be giving a professional opinion whether or not we are ready, willing, and able to care for another child at this point in our life's journey. I must say that I am totally at peace, I am relying on Gods timing for this whole process and am looking forward to meeting "Deb". I believe that satan is trying to push at me though, all say Monday I was very sick then Everett was sick all night Monday and Ryan was sick yesterday...as if we were going to delay this lol. I will say that I love that there is an interview process for adopting a child and not for birthing one...I am totally saying this in humor!! Could you imagine going in for an interview 9 months pregnant to see if you qualify to parent your child. That is a silly thought...at 9 month pregnant I may have said I am not qualified and if you let me deliver now you can have the baby, very uncomfortable time for me :)

Today we woke up to beautiful snow which will forever be a calming site to me! I love snow, it reminds me of fun family outings, taking lunch to my Dad, spending time with Mimi, snowmobiling with Des and cousins, and a feeling of being safe. It is also a great symbol of how Jesus was able to cleanse the most dreadful of us.

Timeline update...

I need to make note of some important things that have been happening...

Friday January 7 2011...mailed my birth certificate to Maine for authorization.
...Ryan's birth certificate arrived in the mail!!!!
...My Mom surprised us with a gift of a clean house through Merry Maids.
...The loan check arrived from my Grandparents.

In the upcoming week we have our home safety check and the first meeting for our homestudy. This weekend is being spent getting the house ready (minus the cleaning lol thanks mom). "Nana" gave Graham, Israel, and Aurora their birthday presents early though the gift of a storage system for our basement playroom. I was able to set that up this am and have been busy storing all or our wonderful toys in it. I think that the biggest project to get done will be our bedroom, it becomes the dump spot :) As silly as it is I am asking for peace in donating most of the infant boys and girls clothing that I still have around...I believe that if Gods plan holds a baby the things needed will come as always.

Baby/Big Girl(s) Truth (and poss Charis) Mommy love you so much! I am teaching myself to be organized. With 6 in the house and possibly 2 more I need to be! I cannot wait to hear your laughter behind me while I update this blog with how you are adjusting. I now know why God has trained me in patience these past four years...the wait for you would be awful if I was not sure in Gods timing and not my own...waiting for you with much LOVE!!!

Truth, because I am positive you are coming soon, I want you to know that I actually ache for you. When I put Aurora to bed at night I imagine you laying in a bed close by with your lovey blanket and special toy, maybe a purple cup and a baby doll or two. Aurora received a baby doll for Christmas that is named Truth to hold your place until you can hug her yourself. When you come home we will have an Aurora doll waiting for you :) I just want you here so badly, but again I AM SURE IN GODS TIMING...Thank you Jesus for loving my little girl while I sit miles and miles away dreaming of her.

Just Honest...

In response to my last post I received a very honest response. I would like to share the core of the message and my response. This is a true friend in that she was not afraid to have a different viewpoint than myself...



She starts off by referring to a comment I made about not being able to adopt domestically (not through foster care) because of not wanting to separate a child from their biological parent...That comment is very true to my feelings on domestic adoption there are so many programs available in the united states to help aid keeping families together that I cannot personally adopt this way (BUT IF GOD WERE TO MOVE MY HEART IT WOULD BE MOVED!). I also want to add that I in no way believe that a child should ever be in a family and not be safe...



here is the heart of her message...



"....the biggest question i confronted is why am i not willing to spend $20,000 to keep a family together....but i will spend that much to basically buy a child......most of these international children are abandoned due simply to poverty....and i had to ask myself am i perpetuating the problem of abandoned children....with me and my white American privilege and money...swooping in.. bringing a child to my land of milk and honey...why don't i help the child..the family.. where they are at?........i am not talking about "true" orphans.......i have also discovered in blog world the voice of the twenty something trans-racially adopted Koreans......and they have a lot to say......especially about "saving" a child...i admire your passion for adoption......i would assume you would hope there comes a time when every child can be with a family.......i just wish the church and Christians would be as passionate about keeping families together instead of coordinating efforts to buy into the billion dollar business that adoption really is.....i am not against adoption but i stop myself before i start saying things like God adopted us so He must love adoption......i saw God in our adoptions....but i also saw the world influence......for all i know my daughter was stolen from her mother to bring money to an orphanage...what other daughters and sons will be stolen because of my American money ...and i could go on and on about the questions that haunt me.....i write to you because i wish someone would have asked me the same questions years ago and taught me the history behind international adoption...... "



I think that she raises VERY good points...those of us who have adopted are we willing to go the next step in supporting families? Those who are not interested in adoption...are you interested in families?



Here is my response...



"Thank you for your honesty!!! I must admit that your viewpoint is what has kept us from being interested in international adoptions! I have always and still feel that a child should be kept in his or her biological family and within their culture if at all possible. I questioned God on this for a long while after we felt his promoting to adopt from Ethiopia. I have researched as much as I was able the different agencies...and the one we are with puts bio and community first and looks for homes only when all other options have been exhausted...now I know it is always hard to know what is truth but I have to follow where God leads. We are being considered for a child with HIV...and in most of those cases the majority of the family is either too ill or has passed away due to Aids. I still feel VERY strongly about not being able to do a domestic adoption (other then foster to adopt) due to the accessibility of resources in the US for families. I love you questioning the thought behind spending so much to add a child but not spending that to keep a family together...as I ponder the same though I have to say that I am positive that once our adoption would be funded..and debts paid (from contested adoption)...I am sure that we would be more then willing to spend every penny again to help keep families together either through local protective programs or through international opportunities or even supporting the adoptions of children into their families out of orphanages. Also if God leads us down this path to "Truth" to reveal a larger picture...the need to aid in country, maybe older siblings that cannot be adopted but need $$ help to be able to live, medical aid for other children we may meet in our journeys, or even a truer love for a distant place that we may one day call home...I am open and willing to travel as far as God leads and stop when I see the stop sign."



Again I say...WE NEED TO FOLLOW GOD IN EVERYTHING!!!

Why Adopt?

We have faced this questions more times then we can count in the recent weeks. More often the question ends is "again"...but I think that to truly understand why we would adopt again you must have knowledge of what is standing behind our passion. We have a deep and unmeasurable belief that God, our Father, calls us to care for others. We have decided to completely and totally dive into any challenge that God asks of us. Being asked to take in complete strangers as our own children, we believe, is a HUGE HONOR. God has in trusted us with the least of His who he ranks higher then most. We are stunned and amazed that our Father trusts us, with all our blemishes, to care for His children. When people limit their family to a number of biological children that is "comfortable" to them it is though they have slammed a door is God's face, saying "we want (insert # here) children" is like saying "we cannot trust in God's plan for our family". In no way do those word mean that everyone should adopt...just that everyone should be seeking God in everything! We are living in a very self centered time! More Christians need to step up and take in a child in need..in Lancaster County alone there are 25 children and youth that just spent Christmas alone, those of you who have children picture them all alone last week. We are sickened by the selfish life styles we watch people live...do they so easily forget that everything that we posses belongs to God, YOU ARE SPENDING GODS MONEY ON FOOLISH THINGS THAT JUST FADE!!!!!! We are a family of 6 living very well on a lower middle class income, in a 3 bedroom townhouse, our children have all of their needs met plus more and God is always finding creative ways to bless our family!! He has told us that the time has come to bring our Daughter home from Africa...though this is completely terrifying (like I said we are a family of 6 already) we are thrilled with this next challenge. The money needed looks a little daunting, though we have somehow :) had every cent needed so far.

Day to day living is almost never sunshine and fairy dust but our children have a mother and father who love them, a family who accepts them, and a Heavenly Father who already knows their path...We have gained so much more then we will ever be able to give back, plus tied our children's biological families forever with ours, and at the end of the day we have wonderful, frustrating, beautiful, annoying, creative little children that we longed for.