Meeting Jesus...

So the kids and I met Jesus today (yes again! He is EVERYWHERE)...this time we were at the Mount Joy Diner to have breakfast...This morning I awoke late, we were needing to leave the house at 7:30 to get to a Dr's appointment to check on baby Selah, well I woke up at 7:26 :). I quickly got the kids up and dressed and we were on the road at 7:45. The kids were decent at the appointment considering that we had not taken the time to eat before we left in such a hurry. When the appointment was done I sat in the parking lot on hold with the children's pediatricians office trying to make an appointment for Aurora, this took over 30 minutes! When I finally finished the call I was feeling bad that the children had not eaten yet and started to consider eating out somewhere, which was a very tough thought to go and spend $ eating out! but I prayed about it and felt the time with the kids was worth the $. Well while praying I started to think about (or maybe Jesus put into my mind) the Mount Joy Diner... While walking in a man held the door open for us, very appreciated bc of having 4 little ones and one on the way :)...He chatted with the boys for a minute and commented on how well behaved the were being. Then when we were being seated that same man came over and said "if you cover your meal I will buy your children's meals" WHAT A BLESSING!!!! Can you believe that?? I didn't I was quite surprised that a total stranger was offering, not just offering insisting, that he pay for my children's food! All I could think was wow Jesus must value me! The kids were great during the meal and we enjoyed playing some games together, the weight of paying for their food was lifted from my shoulders and any guilt I had for eating out was gone.  Towards end of eating he came over again and put tip on the table, chatted with the kids again, and left. The waitress then came over to tell me that he decided to COVER THE WHOLE BILL!!!!!!! I may not know that mans name but I assure you that was Jesus!!!!

As I ponder on the many reasons why God lead us to Ethiopia just to land me pregnant I stumbled upon something soothing (FINALLY)...I believe that God has shown me a parallel between our daughter in Ethiopia and the story of Abraham in Genesis. In the Bible it tell us that Abraham was promised children...had a son...and then God said to sacrifice him. Ok so that story has always made me cringe bc I would want to know that I would obey God through it all but that is a tough request. Well God has shown it to me in a different light. Abraham was asked to climb the mountain, I was asked to travel to Ethiopia. Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son...I was asked to adopt an older child with HIV. God did not tell Abraham until the last possible minute not to sacrifice his son...Our adoption went SUPER FAST and we were at the final stage. God provided a ram for Abraham to sacrifice...God gave us baby Selah in place of Hirite. God did those things to Abraham to see how fearlessly he feared God...I now believe that God lead us to Ethiopia to see how much trust we are willing to place in Him to form our family. I truly believe that as Abraham was blessed for being obedient so will we. As we continue to grieve the loss of Hirite at least I have this to think on.

Crashing to a hault...

Written 8/15/11...

Today the sky fell in the Fasnacht home. Our adoption of "Hirite" has been permanently put on hold. She will be placed back in the "waiting child" status and will not be allowed to join our family. There are not words to explain how we are feeling in these moments following this blow. If I had to choose one it would be numb...I am very confused by this but have to rest in the peace that God knows the steps that are to come in her future.









Why you may ask...we became pregnant, what an amazing blessing, one that we had been told would not effect the outcome of our adoption. Though due to the timing of when the baby is due being so close to when Hirite would be joining our family WACAP has chosen to stop our adoption. I have to admit that I have gone through a full range of emotion from anger to frustration to pain to sadness. I am sure that God will be seen through this.









From the day that Hirite was referred to us I have prayed that God would bring her home in His timing. I HAVE to believe that a TON OF BEAUTY will come from THESE ASHES or I will not be able to move in a forward direction...Even if God needed us to be the face of Jesus to WACAP in how we are handling this news, the way we are able to show them how much we care for this little lady that we want to help advocate for a family for her...or that God used us to bring good friends of ours to their new son. These past months were not a waste.









WACAP has let us know that if Hirite is still waiting for a family next aug we can ask to be matched with her again...which we would...though HONESTLY we are praying that by then she is safe and sound in a wonderful christian family surrounded by love, joy, and peace. For some reason this little girl NEEDED the prayers of our friends and family!!! and I truly believe that her life would be different if we had not been matched with her over the past 4 months.









Now we can choose to move forward with the belief that God has a plan...either Truth needs another year in Ethiopia or there is another child that has a greater need to be part of the Fasnacht family. Or we can choose to become bitter and believe that this world is too full of sin for good to win over evil. We are choosing Truth...whether that comes in the form of a 10 year old named Hirite or in the face of another of Gods precious children.









I ask now, more then before, PLEASE PRAY! Pray that Hirite knows the love of Jesus, that she would have a family to call her own, that her medication would cleanse her body of HIV, that a Dr would find her and perform the ENT surgery that she needs, that she would know that she is loved...









I also ask the you pray for our new additions. The baby that I am carrying for health and strength...that the stress of loosing Hirite will not affect this little one in any way. Also for Graham, Everett, Israel, and Aurora...I don't know how I am going to tell them.









I have to say the loss of one child for the gift of another is something I pray NONE of your EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH! If these two children were presented to me and I was asked to choose I could not! I would not!









Again I am choosing to stay strong in the fact that I am saying YES to God and He knows my heart, knows that whatever children He chooses for our family we will welcome with open arms! Maybe the path we set out on needed to split off because of a child who is yet to be born? Or maybe she is out there somewhere with a story such as Hirite's but we would fit her better. We want what is best for Hirite and what is God's will.









I am thankful that Ryan and I are allowing God to make our family and He knows what it best.









What is next? We wait...WACAP said that they believe that we will be amazing parents to a child from Ethiopia and if the timing were different would not be stopping this adoption in the first place. The placement worker has assured us that they will advocate for us as a family for either Hirite or another child after the new baby is 6 months old. So we wait, which I must say we have become VERY good at...we will wait in Gods peace and know that we do not need to understand this, we may in the future or we may never.









So just a thought...and heartstrings pulled? Anyone have an extra room and an open mind? I have an amazing little lady that is searching for a place to call home...is she meant for yours?

26...and counting :)

So while resting today it all of a sudden occurred to me that I AM 26!!! Wow where have my 20's gone? Most of my friends I have watched finish college, have nice cars, travel, "enjoy life"...I have spent my 20's at home. While pondering that thought I was amazed at all the things God has allowed me to experience so far in my 20's and I became every more excited about what is next to come!!!

My 20's started out with a bang when I married my high school sweetheart and began staying at home (watching 6 kids to make extra $$)...we very quickly said a big fat YES to God when He asked us to allow Him to use the spare bedroom in our home...At the age of 21 we were official foster parents and very soon after approval GRAHAM MOVED IN (total highlight :) and we began the process of learning what it meant to be "parents". Quickly we realised that Graham would require some "extra parenting" and required services for some delays. We believed that we were "super busy" with PT every other week!...At the age of 22 we had a precious daughter "Addie" for 4 short weeks and loved having a daughter! She returned home to her father and we hope that they are doing well! Having her leave left a huge hole that I begged God to fill (be careful what you ask for!!!!) God answered and EVERETT MOVED IN. We redefined what being a "parent" looked like and adding in things like "falling in love with your child's bio family", "getting to know more therapists", "signs and symptoms of drug and alcohol abuse"...things we had never thought about. With Everett came a more involved relationship in the "extra parenting" community when he not only required PT but OT as well. Nearing the end of year 22 we were shocked when ISRAEL MOVED IN!! two weeks before we said our goodbyes to Everett as he moved back with his mother. On to year 23, what a wondrous year!!! On my Birthday we re-took custody of Everett and began a long journey to his adoption. During this year we would learn that drugs and alcohol have more control than we could ever imagine as we watch Israels parents loose him and Everett's mother with her struggles. This is the year that I threw out all of my "what to expect" parenting books...and FULLY EMBRACED the idea that my children not only needed "extra parenting" but that they truly did have "special needs", little Israel was the cement in my relationship with the therapeutic community...and speciality doctors as well. We explored PT, OT, ST, MT, BSC's, and others :). This is the year that we knocked the socks off my OBGYN with a positive pregnancy test and AURORA WAS BORN INto our family!!! Year 24 is a whirlwind of final visits, breastfeeding, staying up all night (with Everett), and trying to get a grasp on my children's needs...WHILE GOD SCREAMED AT ME TO JUST LET GO :)...why is it that I was soooo trusting in God to build my family but was not trusting in Him to guide my steps to becoming their parent? Year 25 started out with EVERETT"S ADOPTION!!! That summer there was the baby who was conceived and then lost. Early fall was ISRAEL"S ADOPTION!!! and I finally gave up trying to parent and allowed God to fully take over. It is because of Him that Israel is all but cured of his Autism...and because of Him that I allowed Everett to be placed on medicine...and because of Him that my children are more successful now then they ever where under just my control!!! This is also the year that God asked us to "Go get our daughter from Africa" WE SAID YES and began the process. Nearing the end of age 25 WE RECEIVED THE CALL!!!! We have a daughter in Ethiopia!!!!!!

Wow at 26 I was thinking that I hadn't accomplished much...lol...I think my children are an amazing accomplishment and if all I have to show at they end of my life is the proof that I said YES to my God...that is good enough for me!!!!

What is God asking of you?? How exciting to say YES and see where He is leading!! "Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest" Ecclesiastes 11:4

My Mother's Day Prayer...

My Mother's Day prayer...

As I sit here in front of my computer I have some bold words that I wish to say. I have a fierce and unyielding passion to completely and totally change the world as we know it. I find it unacceptable that we as Christians can still sit in our comfy homes, drive our new cars, eat our filling meals, and buy our children the next new thing...WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO NEED US!!!!!! So here it goes...

Lord I come before you know as a humble woman, I am constantly amazed by all the good you do and all the beauty that you are always showing me. I come to you today to ask that you would make the undying passion you have given me contagious to anyone who may come in contact with my family. I pray that you plow through their walls and excuses...and use them to care for your children! I know, as I say often, that you do not call everyone to adopt a child as you have called me...though I know that you ask all of us to let you use us! I pray that everyone that I know is open to your voice and are willing to scream YES, YES Lord I am ready and willing, use me. Lord I know that through you all things are possible and I am asking for something that my "human side" has a hard time believing. Please Lord change the hearts of those around me, I pray that they can learn to follow you closely and be willing to give it ALL for the Glory of you...Give up some of the material things, the food, the comforts so that we can help others. Please Lord let me share my fire and help it BURN I ask that you rid the world of orphans and challenge your people to be the difference that this world so desperately needs. I thank you for all the blessing I have been able to see. The changed hearts, some of my close friends and family being your hands and feet. Those are amazing things to witness and I ask that I get to see more. All my love belongs to you to use where you see fit...Amen!!!

Friends on a daily basis I am saddened by your selfishness. Though I may never say it I pray for you often that your hearts may be changed and that you would forget the worldly things that tempt you so. I feel hurt for you when I see you hurting and I wish you could understand why I hurt for the children that Jesus love so much. I really am wishing my pain upon you because I believe that God has burdened me with the responsibility of caring for His children. Please wont some of my close friends and family stand beside me and help as well??

Think about it this way...if your child were lost somewhere and you came to me crying don't you think that I would do EVERYTHING possible to help you find your child and insure that they were safe? The orphans of this world are God's children and he is hurting for them...He has asked us to help Him find them and insure their safety, and too many of us say "no", or "I need to think of my family", or "I only want _ kids", what are you saying in response to God's asking us to care for the widows and the orphans (James 1:27)????

I challenge everyone who reads this to really look at what God has allowed you to have, the things, the money, even your children. Are you using Gods money in a way that gives Him joy? If he has blessed you with a large house are you filling it to the max with whoever He asks you to? What about your gifts are you using them as God has asked? Please ask yourself "why did God give me these things, resources, abilities" and then move forward with doing God's work.
PLEASE DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE BLINDED BY YOUR OWN FRONT DOOR!!!!!

God has blessed me by sharing His heart with me. I am confident that God will share this same passion with anyone willing to be lead!!!!

Love to all and Happy Mother's Day!!!

HIV Educations...

Taken from www.projecthopeful.com What you need to know: `HIV is considered a chronic but manageable disease with proper treatment.`Children who receive treatment are expected to live a normal lifespan. `HIV has never been transmitted in normal family living conditions. `You NEVER have to fear contracting HIV through casual contact with an HIV+ person. `HIV is spread in three main ways: sexual contact, IV drug use through the sharing of dirty needles, mother to infant (pregnancy, birth or breast feeding.) `All around the world orphans are overlooked for adoption because of their HIV+ status. `Medications called ARVs can mean the difference between life and death. `The combination of three or more ARVs is called HAART. (Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Therapy) `With medications HIV can be effectively managed to the point that the virus is undetectable in laboratory tests. `There is a term for the miraculous transformation HIV+ people undergo when they begin receiving the medications they need. The Lazarus Effect is a term commonly used to describe people who were once on the brink of death who have been restored again to health through medication. Questions?? Ask away!!!!

Dear Family and Friends...

Dear Family and Friends, April 12, 2011 We want to thank everyone for their prayers and support for our ever growing family. We are excited to announce that we have been matched with a lovely little lady in Ethiopia. We will call this smiley energetic nine year old Truth. She has lost both of her parents due to HIV/AIDS and her community is unable to care for her. She is diagnosed with HIV stage three and has an extreme hearing impairment. We are confident that Jesus has asked us to adopt her and care for any needs that she brings. We are sure that a few of you will have concerns for our family and community with the introduction of a child with HIV. We want to educate anyone who may have these feelings, please feel free to ask any questions that you may have. We want to be as transparent as possible to insure that when Truth comes home our friends and family welcome her as you have with our other children. We invite you to visit the following sites to help educate yourself… www.cdc.gov www.projecthopeful.org www.truthpandemic.com www.positivelyorphaned.org www.fasnachtgang.blogspot.com We are sure of only one thing and that is the Love of our God. Without His love, this life is just one cruel act after another. We are confident in God’s timing and feel honored that He has asked us to adopt another one of His children. We are asking that you would partner with us in insuring that Truth is home soon. Please pray for her and our family. Pray boldly and in faith that prayers are heard and will be answered, James 1: 5-8. We ask that if you are able to share your financial resources that you would sponsor our adoption. Any gift, no matter how small, will help bring our daughter home!! Our God is so amazing…only He could have known that Truth was to be born to parents infected with HIV. Only He could know that she would lose those parents and need a family who would claim her as their own. Only God could have knit our family together in such a way that we would be open and willing to consider an older child with HIV. It is only through God’s perfect timing that Truth will become a Fasnacht! If God cares this much about a little girl half way around the world…how much does he care about you? “If our God is with us, then who could ever stop us?” (Chris Tomlin song) Those words are so true. We believe that every child who is longing for a home just breaks Gods heart. Our prayer for you is that your heart would break for what breaks His and that you would be open and willing to do anything that God asks of you, no matter how “crazy” it may seem to everyone around you. We pray that you remember the words of James 1:27 “Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” We pray that in some way you are doing just that! Yours truly, The Fasnacht Family

Only in HIS timing!!!

I continue to be blown away by how perfect Gods timing is. I could not have planned a more perfect adoption journey!!! Friday we receive "the call" Monday 4/4/11 we received our fingerprinting appointments in the mail for April 21 2011, thanks to everyone who will be watching my kids that day!! AND RYAN RECEIVED A RAISE 4/4/11...perfect timing...God added a family member and the income to provide for her!!!! I feel that Gods peace is such a great place to be! I don't need to worry about my family make up because God know who my family in now!! I feel sorry for fellow Christians who refuse to follow Gods leading...or who cannot feel His presence. I pray for all you that you would be open to allowing God to take full control of your life, family, finances, future!! Remember God make everything work for good...I have found that the words of James are really powerful when living this way!!! I also was to make sure that everyone is aware that my daughter has HIV, we are not intimidated by this fact. If you would like further information on what it means to live with HIV please let me know and I would be more then happy to help educate you :) I would like to get the "education" done with my family and friends before Truth comes home so that at no time among my family and friends will she feel bad for having HIV. Truth: We are chugging away doing everything we can to get to home as soon as God would like! We found your intake photos and wept...We are so thankful to the mommies who have been caring for you! They have done as amazing job. We cannot wait to see you, Peka wants to paint your nails :) Love ya, Mommy(2) and Daddy(2)

WE WERE MATCHED!!!!!

April 1 2011 is a day that has left a forever print on my soul! I need to back up two days through to start this amazing news! Wednesday March 29 2011 we had our "introduction" phone call with our WACAP caseworker, Patty, who was great. She told us all the Ethiopia program information and talked some with us about our "request" for a child. Parts of the conversation went like this Patty: "So, I see here that you are open to a child with HIV, what does that look like for you?" Danielle:"Umm, the truth is we will not accept a child with out HIV, God has told us she will have HIV." Ryan:"I agree" Patty:"Well that makes things easier, we will be looking for a HIV pos girl, and age you are open to age 7?" Danielle:"We we don't excatly have a cap on that top age, we are open, and willing to parent any child, we are even open to a boy :)" She went on to tell us that the WACAP orphanages do not have children with HIV (MY HEART SANK)...and then she went on to say that they will need to resource other homes. She finished by saying that she would need to talk with Meghan (the program director) to see what time line look like for a girl with HIV and what the process looks like...She told us that she would be calling sometime in the next week to give us details. I recieved an e-mail 3/30/11 asking if she could call that day or 4/1 and I e-mail back and let her know that Friday afternoon I would be able to chat. April 1, 2011 1:55 pm Patty calls...I am expecting information on adoptioning a child with HIV...She goes into detail that a child with HIV most likly will be over age 5 because younger children usually die. A child with HIV is not allowed into most orphanages until all living family has pass away and then usually the children are found taking care of themselves bearly holding onto life. Patty also said that the wait time looks like 0 days to 16 months...and then Patty:"and now that I have given you all that information, I have a girl I would like you to consider" TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE>>> Patty:"she was found fall 2009 very ill, She has HIV level 3 and a hearing impairment...and she is 9ish (I could hear her holding her breath with the news that she was nine) I responded with excitement and she was thrilled. She let me know that on Wed when she was talking with us she already has this little girl in mind but could not say anything on that phone call!!! I really don't think that I will ever stop being amazed at Gods plan and His perfect timing!! Only God knew that "Truth" would be born in 2000-2001 and that her parent would die from HIV...He knew this and planned a family for her...I feel like He hand picked Ryan and I to marry and then hand picked all 4 of our children because only HE knew that Truth would need us...and need us now! Only God could have made this process move as quickly as it has! I only have God to thank for this amazing life that I have with my busy, wonderful, crazy, joyful, frustrating, family :) Just take a minute to think about this...If God cares this much for one child in Ethiopia then how much does He care for you? To Truth: WE LOVE YOU, You are CRAZY Beautiful!!!! We cannot wait for the very near future when we can tell you that we are you mom and dad and that you have 3 little brothers and a little sister!!!! Jesus has been loving on you!!!

This Past Week...

Wow does God ever have me on an exciting journey!!! For those of you know do not know this week we were asked to consider adopting a child from close to home born with HIV. His Mommy has to serve life in prison and was looking for an adoptive home, due to his HIV not many people were willing. Long story short we were not the lucky parents in the end but he did go to a wonderful christian couple!!!!!!!! I feel that I know with out a doubt why we were asked about this baby boy! This has opened up an opportunity for me to start an "out reach" or "ministry" group at the Lebanon Prison!! The counselor at the prison asked me herself if I would be willing to come in and talk with woman who are in prison, especially ones with children. She also said that she would like to be able to contact me when she was a mom is crisis who needs to place her child/ren. This could mean short term (days or weeks), long term (months or years), or forever (adoption). I believe that God has shaped this to fit me super perfect and already feel His energy through the preparations I have been making! I am hoping to gather a LARGE group of God Fearing Woman who will band with me to share Gods Grace and Love in the prison.

I would love to share more details at a later time :)

Ethiopia...The country has cut adoptions by 90% as of March 10Th. We are not sure what this means, obviously it means a much longer wait...Ryan and I are praying and waiting on Gods answer to continue or not.

Wouldn't it be just like God to Lead me to Ethiopia to start a prison ministry in my own back yard!!! I mean seriously...if God had asked me to go talk to woman in a prison last November I may have thought he was talking to the wrong woman...GODS TIMING IS EVERYTHING!!!

We still believe there is a Daughter in Ethiopia who we continue to call Truth...We are just now questioning the timing in which she may enter our family...If she is a baby now maybe she needs a couple years with her family before needing to be adopted. We are completely in support of Ethiopia trying to insure ethical adoptions!!

phone call...

Just got a blow of a phone call...though I am still sure in Gods plan :) WACAP will only allow us to adopt one child at this time...even though our homestudy agency has approved us for two. We are not sure why this is though we are sure that God has a plan and we are doing our best to follow that! I am dealing with feeling of lose, even though there are no chosen children, just the thought of "leaving" one in Ethiopia. I know that God has two children from Ethiopian for us and is must be that he want us in that country four times over the span of the next few years. Please pray for us in our adoption journey and for our daughter "Truth" or son "Hero" depending on girl or boy!!

As far as process goes we have almost all documents turned into WACAP and with the approved homestudy WACAP will be sending in our I600-A application...so time to wait on that!

Thanks for caring...

Zoom Zoom...

I have been needing to update all ya all on the lightening fast track that our adoption seems to be taking...though after my last post I needed a moment to simmer. Well I am done and here it is :)

Saturday February 5 2011 we sent out all documents that needed to be state authenticated, along with $180.00 and were told that it is a 15 day turn around from their "in hands" date. So knowing that it would be 15 days or more I settled into a nice waiting attitude, and almost fell over when I opened the mailbox Wednesday February 9 2011 to find the documents had been returned DONE!!! The date on them was Monday the 7th, totally amazing and only done because God had his hands on our papers ever step of the way!!!

Then...oh it is getting better :)

This past Saturday February 12 2011 I checked my e-mail to find that OUR HOMESTUDY IS DONE!!!! Common Sense was sending it to WACAP via e-mail yesterday to get their approval and make any necessary changes. The next step to that is to pay the final $1500 to common sense and pick up our completed homestudy...and begin the grant applications...

I will be placing all necessary document in the mail today to WACAP. After they have approved our homestudy they will send in our application for the I600-A.

Please continue to pray with us that our children are receiving food and supervision. Also that "money would pour down like rain"...God has been awesome in providing me with consistent work that I can do at home to be able to pay all the adoption fees so far!

Also we want to let everyone know that with the approval of girls or boys we are praying for our children by name...and we added a boy name in case there is a little man waiting on this mommy and daddy to come pick him up.

Truth and Charis or Hero...we are here and growing ever more excited at the thought of being able to see and touch you. We want to love on you and share with you. I (mommy) will find myself picturing in my mind what Easter could look like next year and Hershey Park with 6 kids :)...We are at peace in the knowledge that our Father who has asked us to be your parents is the one watching over you at this very moment, and though I cannot be there HE IS!!

The Hurt...

Today marks the due date of our son "Joseph Shaw Fasnacht". Obviously I am not expecting, anymore, and there is no baby to be. This past June Ryan and I experienced a miscarriage. I fear that my holding onto my thoughts, feeling, etc. that I am being held still in my walk. I truly believe that God uses the pressure of this world to mold us into the beauty that he sees.

I was only two months pregnant...But I was two months pregnant.

Let me express my thanks and gratitude to Jesus for the life of my never to be born son. Though memories are few they are powerful! Late April 2010 my oldest son Graham approached me, placing his had on my belly, and said "Mommy my baby brother is in there" to which I replied "Well then you better pray for him" Chuckling to myself. Graham did pray, right there, and then again later, and then at many meals and bedtime prayers. He often prayed such as "please make my brother not sick and let us play with him, Amen". Being that these were the prayers of a four year old I never thought about why he would be asking that his brother would no longer be sick. Soon after Mother's Day it was confirmed that Graham had indeed been correct, we were expecting. We were thrilled at the idea or another child. Though I had been positive that God had shown me that child number five would come through adoption. I found myself questioning if I was hearing God wrong or just wishing for another adoption? I think soon after we confirmed that I was pregnant I could feel God again confirming that child number five would enter the Fasnacht family through adoption. I don't know about you but I am one who believes that my God leads me to and so I became quite saddened by the truth that this baby most likely would not make it to term. During the weeks of my pregnancy I found myself praying for the safety and well being of Graham, Everett, Israel, and Aurora and I was praying for the little soul inside me to find purpose. During my prayers God would support me by leading "I love you enough", "Trust me", "If you will let me I will use you". The last Sunday in May I walked into church with a complete sense of loss. I had not lost anything but I felt as if the world was shrinking and I was left alone. I prayed for a sign "if Matt sings the hurricane song everything will be well". I know that was my beig a mother and wanting everything to be fine and to be back in control. As my prayer ended the music began to the next song "the hurricane song" (not the proper name just what I call it :) I felt my hope rising until I saw that it was not to be Matt that sang that song but Kim his wife. Inside I melted, I was terrified of losing the baby, and I was thankful that God was reveling it to me. I believe that we have a very loving God who knew that Kim singing that song would be a kind way of saying what was to come. She had lost a child and was still up on stage singing how much God loves us. In the core of my being I was sure all would be well, but how long would that take? I remember asking God that if I must loose the baby please let it be sooner rather then later...

Two days later at my sons therapy appointment all hell broke loose. Even with the knowledge that this child most likely would not make it to term the actual act of miscarrying was terrifying. My poor Graham had to be with me. He was crying and yelling at God saying "I asked for the baby to stop being sick" and then at the nurse that had to take my blood "you better put the baby back in my mommy". Seeing the fear and lose in his eyes was heart stopping. This is a child who never shows true emotion. God was already using "Shaw's" precious little soul to help his older brother experience true emotion. I hold onto the image of Graham to remember that even when we are in total ruin God is already seen the other side and it is one of beauty.

I need to say that having a miscarriage is not the most gripping pain I ave ever experienced though it is the most piercing. It attacks during times of Joy and times of sorrow. I will never glimpse his little face, his tiny fingers and toes, I will never know the sound of his voice...this sadness still shocks me. I am confident in the road ahead but sad for me that this little boy will not be with me.

I was two months into falling head over heels in love with a new little man. I have four children and know the love and joy that we experience through them. I had thoughts, hopes, and dreams of our future as a family, and any plans after January 2011 included a new joy "Shaw". We made early preparations for him, such as the purchase of my boys triple bunk bed. My son Israel requires a long transition time and so we started as early as possible to allow for him to adjust to the move and the thought of a new baby. We rearrange out room making room for a crib. We prepared the kids for thoughts of a new brother or sister. We did and did for nothing?

Nothing...that is what I kept coming to in my mind. I have nothing to show for this pregnancy. The plans were for nothing. My thoughts, hopes, and dreams where for nothing...But what if I make the choice to open my eyes and see the something in the nothing? After all, God has promised me beauty from ashes.

I believe this particular path that I was allowed to journey has given me a deeper knowledge of how my sons mothers must feel. I didn't choose for my baby to die, I can't change what happened, it is totally out of my control. My sons mothers did not choose to place them for adoption, they cannot change what has happened, and they have no control over their sons futures. Wow-I truly love them more every time I think of baby "Shaw"

Through all the "mud" this world throws at me my God still remains in control. Though I will never understand some of the hurt we endure I am positive He will use all my hurt for good somewhere. Though it is up to me to choose everyday to allow the hurt, the pressure to form me into who I am meant to be...A beautiful example of Gods love.

In conclusion I was to thank Jesus again for the life and soul of my son Joseph Shaw Fasnacht. Though he will never touch anyone, his impression on me is everlasting.

And so it begins...

I am sitting (hiding) in my basement while wonderful woman from "Merry Maids" clean my house. This marks the beginning of my homestudy, yes the paperwork was a beginning but this is a different beginning. The caseworker coming out to the house tonight will be writing a report and detailing our family's personal life in that report. She will also be giving a professional opinion whether or not we are ready, willing, and able to care for another child at this point in our life's journey. I must say that I am totally at peace, I am relying on Gods timing for this whole process and am looking forward to meeting "Deb". I believe that satan is trying to push at me though, all say Monday I was very sick then Everett was sick all night Monday and Ryan was sick yesterday...as if we were going to delay this lol. I will say that I love that there is an interview process for adopting a child and not for birthing one...I am totally saying this in humor!! Could you imagine going in for an interview 9 months pregnant to see if you qualify to parent your child. That is a silly thought...at 9 month pregnant I may have said I am not qualified and if you let me deliver now you can have the baby, very uncomfortable time for me :)

Today we woke up to beautiful snow which will forever be a calming site to me! I love snow, it reminds me of fun family outings, taking lunch to my Dad, spending time with Mimi, snowmobiling with Des and cousins, and a feeling of being safe. It is also a great symbol of how Jesus was able to cleanse the most dreadful of us.

Timeline update...

I need to make note of some important things that have been happening...

Friday January 7 2011...mailed my birth certificate to Maine for authorization.
...Ryan's birth certificate arrived in the mail!!!!
...My Mom surprised us with a gift of a clean house through Merry Maids.
...The loan check arrived from my Grandparents.

In the upcoming week we have our home safety check and the first meeting for our homestudy. This weekend is being spent getting the house ready (minus the cleaning lol thanks mom). "Nana" gave Graham, Israel, and Aurora their birthday presents early though the gift of a storage system for our basement playroom. I was able to set that up this am and have been busy storing all or our wonderful toys in it. I think that the biggest project to get done will be our bedroom, it becomes the dump spot :) As silly as it is I am asking for peace in donating most of the infant boys and girls clothing that I still have around...I believe that if Gods plan holds a baby the things needed will come as always.

Baby/Big Girl(s) Truth (and poss Charis) Mommy love you so much! I am teaching myself to be organized. With 6 in the house and possibly 2 more I need to be! I cannot wait to hear your laughter behind me while I update this blog with how you are adjusting. I now know why God has trained me in patience these past four years...the wait for you would be awful if I was not sure in Gods timing and not my own...waiting for you with much LOVE!!!

Truth, because I am positive you are coming soon, I want you to know that I actually ache for you. When I put Aurora to bed at night I imagine you laying in a bed close by with your lovey blanket and special toy, maybe a purple cup and a baby doll or two. Aurora received a baby doll for Christmas that is named Truth to hold your place until you can hug her yourself. When you come home we will have an Aurora doll waiting for you :) I just want you here so badly, but again I AM SURE IN GODS TIMING...Thank you Jesus for loving my little girl while I sit miles and miles away dreaming of her.

Just Honest...

In response to my last post I received a very honest response. I would like to share the core of the message and my response. This is a true friend in that she was not afraid to have a different viewpoint than myself...



She starts off by referring to a comment I made about not being able to adopt domestically (not through foster care) because of not wanting to separate a child from their biological parent...That comment is very true to my feelings on domestic adoption there are so many programs available in the united states to help aid keeping families together that I cannot personally adopt this way (BUT IF GOD WERE TO MOVE MY HEART IT WOULD BE MOVED!). I also want to add that I in no way believe that a child should ever be in a family and not be safe...



here is the heart of her message...



"....the biggest question i confronted is why am i not willing to spend $20,000 to keep a family together....but i will spend that much to basically buy a child......most of these international children are abandoned due simply to poverty....and i had to ask myself am i perpetuating the problem of abandoned children....with me and my white American privilege and money...swooping in.. bringing a child to my land of milk and honey...why don't i help the child..the family.. where they are at?........i am not talking about "true" orphans.......i have also discovered in blog world the voice of the twenty something trans-racially adopted Koreans......and they have a lot to say......especially about "saving" a child...i admire your passion for adoption......i would assume you would hope there comes a time when every child can be with a family.......i just wish the church and Christians would be as passionate about keeping families together instead of coordinating efforts to buy into the billion dollar business that adoption really is.....i am not against adoption but i stop myself before i start saying things like God adopted us so He must love adoption......i saw God in our adoptions....but i also saw the world influence......for all i know my daughter was stolen from her mother to bring money to an orphanage...what other daughters and sons will be stolen because of my American money ...and i could go on and on about the questions that haunt me.....i write to you because i wish someone would have asked me the same questions years ago and taught me the history behind international adoption...... "



I think that she raises VERY good points...those of us who have adopted are we willing to go the next step in supporting families? Those who are not interested in adoption...are you interested in families?



Here is my response...



"Thank you for your honesty!!! I must admit that your viewpoint is what has kept us from being interested in international adoptions! I have always and still feel that a child should be kept in his or her biological family and within their culture if at all possible. I questioned God on this for a long while after we felt his promoting to adopt from Ethiopia. I have researched as much as I was able the different agencies...and the one we are with puts bio and community first and looks for homes only when all other options have been exhausted...now I know it is always hard to know what is truth but I have to follow where God leads. We are being considered for a child with HIV...and in most of those cases the majority of the family is either too ill or has passed away due to Aids. I still feel VERY strongly about not being able to do a domestic adoption (other then foster to adopt) due to the accessibility of resources in the US for families. I love you questioning the thought behind spending so much to add a child but not spending that to keep a family together...as I ponder the same though I have to say that I am positive that once our adoption would be funded..and debts paid (from contested adoption)...I am sure that we would be more then willing to spend every penny again to help keep families together either through local protective programs or through international opportunities or even supporting the adoptions of children into their families out of orphanages. Also if God leads us down this path to "Truth" to reveal a larger picture...the need to aid in country, maybe older siblings that cannot be adopted but need $$ help to be able to live, medical aid for other children we may meet in our journeys, or even a truer love for a distant place that we may one day call home...I am open and willing to travel as far as God leads and stop when I see the stop sign."



Again I say...WE NEED TO FOLLOW GOD IN EVERYTHING!!!

Why Adopt?

We have faced this questions more times then we can count in the recent weeks. More often the question ends is "again"...but I think that to truly understand why we would adopt again you must have knowledge of what is standing behind our passion. We have a deep and unmeasurable belief that God, our Father, calls us to care for others. We have decided to completely and totally dive into any challenge that God asks of us. Being asked to take in complete strangers as our own children, we believe, is a HUGE HONOR. God has in trusted us with the least of His who he ranks higher then most. We are stunned and amazed that our Father trusts us, with all our blemishes, to care for His children. When people limit their family to a number of biological children that is "comfortable" to them it is though they have slammed a door is God's face, saying "we want (insert # here) children" is like saying "we cannot trust in God's plan for our family". In no way do those word mean that everyone should adopt...just that everyone should be seeking God in everything! We are living in a very self centered time! More Christians need to step up and take in a child in need..in Lancaster County alone there are 25 children and youth that just spent Christmas alone, those of you who have children picture them all alone last week. We are sickened by the selfish life styles we watch people live...do they so easily forget that everything that we posses belongs to God, YOU ARE SPENDING GODS MONEY ON FOOLISH THINGS THAT JUST FADE!!!!!! We are a family of 6 living very well on a lower middle class income, in a 3 bedroom townhouse, our children have all of their needs met plus more and God is always finding creative ways to bless our family!! He has told us that the time has come to bring our Daughter home from Africa...though this is completely terrifying (like I said we are a family of 6 already) we are thrilled with this next challenge. The money needed looks a little daunting, though we have somehow :) had every cent needed so far.

Day to day living is almost never sunshine and fairy dust but our children have a mother and father who love them, a family who accepts them, and a Heavenly Father who already knows their path...We have gained so much more then we will ever be able to give back, plus tied our children's biological families forever with ours, and at the end of the day we have wonderful, frustrating, beautiful, annoying, creative little children that we longed for.