Praying for a refill...

If anyone is reading this beware. I am over tired and under thinking even before I am allowing myself to type these words.

Guys, I.am.drowning. I am grasping for breath and running out of the fight it takes to brake the surface and inhale. The worst part is that this is happening in full public view, as if I were in a glass box in the middle of town. I have reached out for help, begged for help, cried out to girlfriends and family and most of them offer to pray for me, which is fantastic if it is true. Thankfully the violence level in my home is at an all time low (praise Jesus) we are seeing huge progress in some areas. I am able to see the joy in all of that though I have lost my ability to feel any happiness attached to that joy. Physically I have too many things going on chat about here but just know the daily physical pain is getting to me.

I finally see the path to true healing for my children, true unconditional love. As in TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love that hurts and is messy. Love with little happiness and tiny rewards. Love with an unimaginable amount of grace. Love that no matter what refuses to give up...this takes years and years and apologies and grace and forgives. This take truly placing yourself last to those you are loving. This takes being "beaten" and "abused" time and time again knowing that it is  their defensive shield and not the scared child who is terrified to allow you in.

The problem with this new sight is that I have been viewing those in my life with a new perspective. I now wonder why those who can see me dying can offer nothing more then prayers. Goodness if this is the view that the world has on "Christians" I don't want to stand anywhere near that label or thought pattern. I officially am no longer a Christian. I am and forever will be a Christ Follower but I fear I have wandered too far away from "modern Christianity" I cannot live a life full of people who promise prayer just to get out of tangible assistance.

In this moment of physical pain and emotional death I am screaming praises that I can see the lies.  I am overly thrilled that we found "home" for some of my children in an amazing private school that takes part of my burden. I can see Jesus in my life every single day. I will never lose trust in who Jesus is. My forever is secure...my here and now just hurts like hell. The daily fight is overwhelming. Fighting the public school system sucks me dry and clinging to my children's healing is wearing me thin.

If anyone would please join me in really praying that someone would want to love me unconditionally, seems stupid and desperate to even ask that. My pride is at my feet. See I have experienced that love before and it is wonderful. I need healing and health so that I can continue being everything my children need. God would not have placed each of these children/mini adults in my care without having a plan to refill me over and over. Begging for that refill now.

The tale of 3 coats...

Recently God has been flooding my family with provision after provision. I believe He knows that the tough spot we are in with some of my children could completely crush us and He is lightening the load through His people. My son who struggles with violence and aggression has been hospitalized again due to behavior. The Drs are literally at a loss for a treatment plan and have decided (with our permission) to start a terrible medication. This medication is the end of the road of available medications to treat my precious child. The Drs were very interested in how the essential oils were able to maintain him for 7 whole months! They are offering the suggestion that we do meds from October through April and then wean the month of April to use just oils from May through September. You know these oils must be pretty awesome for the medical staff at a hospital to ask me to use them 6 months out of the year. With all that going on we also have another child in our home who is following the same path that this child had tracked. We have every therapy set up and tons of medical appointments to rule out other causes. Between hospital trips and medical appointments just these two children are proving to be a full time job. Not to mention preparing for a grandchild to join our family, a child starting in the public school system, regular medical, dental and vision checks, Ryan moving to a new more demanding position at work and my current silly health issues.

God was preparing us and our village for these events without us even knowing it.

If anyone doubts that my God is real then you need to walk through part of this week with me. Background in a nutshell...The kids do not all have snow pants this year NOT A NEED so I honestly have not been overly concerned We are devoted to paying off our debt this year and so even when I found pairs at goodwill I passed them saying "God will fill this want if he decides to".  The night before last night a dear friend contacted me asking if we needed any snow pants (praise Jesus) I told her that yes we could use them! She also offered a jacket or two and that got me a little more excited because one of the boys is really growing and his jacket is getting snug.  She offered to meet the very next morning (yeah snow is coming) and so we made plans. Yesterday (the day of the meet up) I woke up late, not sure how that happened as there is always someone up needing something!, so I rushed to get my brand new first grade student ready and in the car for school. His jacket was the one that is too small so I had decided to let him use his brothers jacket and found that this brother had totally broken the zipper and other parts of this jacket. I skipped food of any kind and was really feeling it walking through the school halls with my two babies that I nanny and some of my children. Side note I have been trying really hard to eat more during the day mono had taken over too much and I was only able to eat at night so now I am attempting to get my body back on track. I ran home picked up the rest of my children and headed out to meet for the winter clothing. When I arrived my friend got out of her car and handed me a smoothie!!!!!! She had made enough for her and her Husband as usual but he is out of town so she brought it to ME! God was FEEDING ME...She then gave us the winter clothing and surprised me with a pair of boots. I stood there in complete shock trying not to melt down emotionally (thinking back I probably looked rude...SORRY) as I prepared to look at the size thinking "I know God loves our family but seriously providing boots there is no chance they are the right size". Well they were the right size, see I have been searching consignment shops for weeks for a size 2 boot for Truth and here they were placed into my hands with no strings attached just because another family loves my Jesus and wants to care for my children! She did not know that Truth needed boots she just followed Gods promoting to give to my family!!! We thanked her and parted ways. When I arrived home I was shocked to find there were enough pants for all the big kids! When I started looking at the jackets I was becoming an emotional wreck...there was not 1 jacket, not 2 jackets BUT 3 JACKETS! It was as if Jesus was saying "I am replacing the one that is too small, I knew one was broken so I got that too...and we all know that child is rough on everything so here is another so there are no worries". He covered this tiny tiny need of ours. I love how much Jesus can be found in the details of my days I pray that I never ever loose the ability to see and recognize Him.

That is just a glimpse of the care I have received! I cannot count the number of times friends have stopped in with lunch for me or supper for my family. Our village has taking my children for play dates and special treats. They have offered me hours and hours of adult conversation. They have driven my children to events and activities so that I can be at the hospital. My big girls Betty and Truth have filled in the gaps where needed and have totally rocked it! My family has been built not born and I would not have it any other way!!!!

Praise Jesus for the details that I overlook and thank you everyone who has continued to say YES!

3 years ago today this verse was what I was praying over and over as I asked for life for Selah and I...it seems very fitting for this season of life as well.

“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
Matthew 7:7-8 MSG


 

Peace in the panic...

Yesterday my world was shaken. My child who struggles with violence decided to hurt his little sister. This does not happen in our home, his violence is always directed towards an adult who is in charge. When I say "violence" I am not meaning pushing, hitting, kicking for the intention of  getting a toy back or "just being kids". I am talking about violence in a true form or planned out intentional acts to seriously harm another person with no provoking from the other party. The details of yesterday are not what is important here. I allowed this behavioral outburst to shake me to the point of not seeing what God was trying to show me. He was answering in a very concrete way a question that I have been asking over and over recently. I have been begging God to show me what I will do when my son is bigger then me. It took a phone call with a good friend this am who pointed out that God had answered, not just answered but shown me.

You see when God asked us to parent this child he was not just asking us to parent him he was equipping us to parent him. I do not know why I was blind to this and just now see. God has also given us two other fiercely protective boys. These two love their siblings and parents and it shows in their actions. They were so fast to jump to their sisters aide and alert me to the situation I could not have asked for anything better! I have always looked past what is right in front of me...my other sons. They are here for so many reasons but one of those was to help me keep their brother safe from himself. They did not jump in and start hurting him they pulled him away and kept him safe from himself until I got there. They knew exactly what to do not to escalate the situation. They have lived in this world with me and have been learning right beside me and I did not see it. Something else we learned yesterday is that all the empowering teaching we have been doing with the little sister, due to her PTSD brought about by his violence, is that it has worked in a big way! She said that yes she was scared but she knew she could defend herself and she felt very protected by Jesus, her brothers and her mommy. She is developing into a fantastic girl.

Gods plans are so much bigger then we will ever see. My moment of panic has brought about a new peace. A peace only available from the one who made me. I am so thankful for my sons short comings that help form him into the man that God intends him to be. Possibly with out this childhood struggle with violence he would never be able to master the ability to calm those urges and he just needs years and years of practice.

Friends and family I challenge you, be thankful even for the ugly because some of the best clarity comes during a moment of panic.

Rage on Boy...

So

It happened...

He RAGED...

guess how long it lasted?

FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!!!!

Why?

Prayer and Essential Oils!!!!!

Seriously people. This is freaking fantastic! A typical full rage lasts at a minimum 45mins ON MEDICATION!!!!!!! He was full blow as we call it...Ryan asked him to clean up for supper and BAM gone just like that! He was growling, screaming, and hitting at Ryan when I got outside to see what was going on. I have the "you have two choices either clean up or go to bed"...he growled...I reminded him "I will now count to 3 if I reach 3 I will make the choice for you". I could see there was NO WAY he would be backing down or calming down or whatever you want to call it at this point. For those of you reading please know I do not mean a typical childhood tantrum where they cry for a while and throw a couple things...I am talking someone was going to end up in the hospital if we did not handle this correctly. I got to 3 and asked Ryan to carry him inside to his bedroom. The whole time he was clawing at Ryan and hitting, kicking, screaming things you never want to hear anyone say...On the way to his room I was panicking in my head thinking what medications do I have on hand to knock this kid out (per the Dr) so that we do not end up at the ER...Ryan placed him onto his floor and went for my oils bag. When Ryan returned he was still screaming at me but I caught a look on his face when he saw the bag that is not common during these rages...hope...he looked like he actually thought I could help him. I flipped him to his belly and dropped peace and calming, peppermint, and valor down his spine and massaged it up and down then out to the sides trying to push it into his little body. The whole time I am praying that God would lead my hands and choose the oils bc I was still scared. I flipped him back to his back and applied peppermint on his head, release to his neck and behind his ears and then joy to his heart. Though I could tell he was trying to stay mad his body very quickly started to relax! I asked him what he thought he needed to do and he replied "pray". He prayed a very sweet prayer to Jesus and then I asked what he should do next and he BURST INTO REAL TEARS and said "say sorry to daddy". He jumped up off the floor and embraced Ryan for a long time sobbing that he was so sorry he made a poor choice and he wants to stay calm. We talked about how he now needed to return to outside and follow through on cleaning up. He turned to walk upstairs paused looked over his shoulder at me and a whole new set of tears started as he ran into my arms and cried for a while THANING ME for helping him to calm down with oils!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM STILL IN AWE. I cannot put a dollar amount on what this is worth to us as a family. My son is HEALING in front of our eyes.

Please continue to pray with us! I know that through Jesus this is possible. In the moment it seemed like all hope was gone...actually it was just waiting for me to find it :)

So Rage on my Boy Rage on...healing is a comin...

Walk along with us...

I am opening the flood gates and inviting everyone along on this (hopefully) path of healing. As many of my friends and family know one of my sons struggles with anger and aggression. He has been on his current meds now for over a year and I am feeling prompted to get them out of his system...

HERES THE CATCH...I have done this quite a few times before and each and every time it has ended horribly and we needed fast acting medication to basically force him to sleep and pumped him full of more chemicals to even his temper. I HATE THIS I have hated it sense we started BUT I do think that sometimes God uses these medications to aide in healing! If you are going to follow this journey do not expect just a nice clear pathway and beware that I will be sharing full truth. I am praying that we are able to do this BUT we may end up back on medication. The safety of this child and all family members around him is more important then my wanting him to be medicine free.

What is the plan...In April/May 2014 I dove head first into Young Living Essential oils and have been LOVING them! I started them right away on my son and within a month we cut out the morning dose of this current medication. He loves the way they smell and he says they "help me feel calm". I am basically just winging it when it comes to what we are using. I let him test them all out and what we came down to out of the stock I have at home is as follows...

Panaway on his neck and down his back whenever he is starting to feel angry.
Peace and Calming on his feet, hands, and temples if he is ALREADY mad.
Stress Away all day before any angry feelings.

We use all of the above at night before bed and then throughout the day as needed.

He likes a combo of Stress Away, Joy, and panaway if we are going out somewhere. We apply the stress away to his wrists, I draw a heart on his chest with the joy (just bc it is cute!) and put panaway on his shoulders or neck. We always apply Thieves in some form when leaning home.

I just got Cypress oil and started that last night for bedwetting...I think the bedwetting is from the medication. I also just received Release which I am praying will open new pathways in this amazing little boys brain.

That brings us to the here and now. Last night we stopped all medication. NO prescription mood stabilizer NO melatonin...just oils (and exercise and good food). Going to sleep took a lot longer then normal. 40 mins as compared to 10 but there are other factors there as well (like mommy hitting a fruit stand yesterday). Tonight my plan is to put a diffuser in their room to aide with sleep.

The medication he was on leaves the system in 12 hours. We have had enough blood work to show that this is basically true. His day so far has been wonderful no issues that you would not expect from a typical boy. I am looking forward to traveling this path and excited to see where it leads!

One very important thing to remember is that the everything that we are doing we are asking Jesus first. I would say that I chat with my creator and his son hundreds of times throughout the day! I feel complete peace in using Young Living oils for my children and that PEACE comes from my God. If you have any interest in what a relationship with someone you cannot see is like PLEASE ASK ME ANYTHING! I "see" Jesus so many times a day it is so reassuring that even my mistakes can be turned into something good.

Please pray with us in complete healing for my little man.

Amen...

 

Jello and Kidney Stones...

My level of transparency on my current well being has been very shady. I feared that I would easily lose the trust of my children if I continued to allow myself the ability to process who I am and who I want to be through written word.

That stops tonight.

I have always known that part of my way to process anything was to write it down. I have tons of notebooks filled with my thoughts and transparencies from early through a couple years ago. Now I don't just enjoy the thrill of writing the words down and the time alone I get with Jesus to process what those words say back to me, I enjoy the thrill of having others read what I share and giving their opinions. I enjoy their kind comments, the advice from strangers, the reassurance that all will be ok, and even the comments that taste like hot lava running down my throat. Now as with everything else there truly is only one opinion that matters to me and that opinion belongs to Jesus. No matter which way to spin the Jesus thing I am totally one hundred percent in. I am sure that my Jesus loves me even when no one else does. I am sure that my Jesus smiles with me, enjoys my children with me, takes on challenges with me, and catches me when the entire world gets torn from beneath my feet.

"Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree" I LOVE that quote. If I had to sum up my experience of raising an 18 year for under 6 months it would be something like "Raising a teenager is like having a gag tied around your mouth, chains around your body and being anchored to the bottom of a far off lake." It is lonely and tiring and one of the worst things God has ever asked me to be a part of. I have had a few hard hits over the past 4 years all starting with learning that my marriage was a lie, terribly difficult pregnancy, terribly difficult adoption, kidney stones, kids getting kicked out of school, violent kids, hospital stay after hospital stay. money crap, MONO. Though everyone has their list and mine is neither easier or harder just different. Over the past four years I have lost most of who I should be. Don't read that wrong I am extremely strong willed and have not lost totally who I am just who I should be. The past 6 months have been the ones where I cannot even try to hold my head above water, it honestly is no wonder that I have mono. Jesus had to give it a name so I would be willing to share with others how low I have sunk. I feel so defeated in terms of parenting an 18 year old. I have tried hard to give her space, be involved, get to know her friends but not be the annoying mom. I have cared beyond cared about this child and everything I do is thrown back in my face. I am completely used to this with my younger ones but to have an adult verbally assault me on a regular basis...it just does something to you. I have spent more time on the phone or in the office or at the hospital or at therapy with this child than any other over the past 6 months. I find myself often imagining what Jesus must feel like with how defiantly we live our lives. How often do we tell him no and just do what we want. I think that God is using this experience to answer my years long prayer to allow me to see others as He sees them but he flipped my intent. I wanted to have more compassion and instead he is showing me the ugly in me. I wanted to look on my enemies with kindness and instead I get to experience someone screaming out to me "why do you even care, I don't want you to care". I am being broken.

Now in the past 6 months I have seen true heartache from this child. I have seen what trauma looks like on an 18 year old face and it has crushed me. I would not trade these terrible 6 months, the growth that I have seen is wonderful. I have seen her feel good about accomplishments and experience joy with the family. I have seen her really put effort into some things. That is what makes where I sit right now so difficult. She is 18, she is an adult, and she is choosing to not follow the house rules. I stand at a cross roads and I honestly am not sure which way I will turn. I cannot keep up the way that I am or my next post will be from a hospital bed. I need a break, I need to be able to take a breath.

Loving others does not always feel good. It is not always saying yes, it is not always coming to the rescue of your children's mistakes. Love sometimes hurts and no matter which way this all goes, tomorrow someone will be hurting. Ugh, so in this story Love almost equals hurt...I don't like that.

I have felt like if I quit I would get a break but God spoke LOUD and FIRM through the voice of a constable at LCBC. He told me "Every fight is worth it" ,"KEEP FIGHTING" he shared a bit of his story and then lovingly said "I appreciate what you are doing for her, she NEEDS you!" I promise it was as if I had a conversation with God himself; I could feel Him speaking into me. I don't know what this means for tomorrow but I do know that I am letting the chains go and not going to feel guilty for sharing the difficulties of parenting a teen.

Some days I feel bad for Ryan. This is NOT his chosen path...it is where Jesus wants him but it is still a bit of a stretch. He is the man stuck in the middle now with the hormonal teen and the wounded wife. I think everyone needs to get him some soda :)...Though being that today is our 9 year anniversary I think he should count himself as lucky! Not all men get a wife who can hold her own in fist fights, talk to doctors like they are speaking English, understand enough Amharic to keep our girls in line and at the end of the day he does not need to get me jewelry because I make my own stones.

Mosaic...

I think in pictures. As in literally I see pictures in my mind as a series of thoughts are processed. I have assigned photos or colors or numbers or a mix of all for people in my life. Emotions are processed much the same way. Being that I think this way turning my colors and pictures into written language is sometimes difficult. I have a deep desire to share with you a vision/picture/grouping of colors that God has shared with me. Big surprise I pray and communicate with God in much the same way.

What do you see here. A pile of broken tiles? A mess? A project in the waiting? I see my family...clear as day. I see the potential, the beauty, the pain, the mess. I see that these were once whole and are now broken. I see heartache...loss...want. I see the ability for change, growth, strength. I see us.

I see the little boy who made me a Mommy...I see the son I share with a dear friend...I see a child who we were told would never function...I see a daughter from a far off land...I see unexpected pregnancies...I see children to come...I see life.

I ask often that God would use the mess that my family is to bring others eyes to Jesus. I want the brokenness of adoption to show Gods love. I want the struggles with extra parenting, special needs, and marital struggles to be the picture of hope and redemption. I want to be seen...

I feel that the thoughts of tiles in relation to my family can honestly only point in one direction...a Beautiful Mosaic. How else do you use broken, hurting, damaged people to create nothing less then a masterpiece? When I think of my family I see them like this. We are all still broken, sharp around the edges and may not resemble each other...BUT...when laid out in Gods plan with the knowledge and trust of an amazing heavenly father holding us tightly together we are a family.

When I begin to feel overwhelmed or stressed with my current life situation I try to pull up these images and remind myself that ONLY God holds the plans for the frame to this family! I may not and will not limit Him!!!! This photo does a decent job of showing what I mean. We refuse to say no to Jesus. If Jesus wants another member to join our family there is ALWAYS room. We will not define the size based on what society, friends or family say is right.

I honestly have always loved the images that fill my mind...especially surrounding my family! The idea of an unfinished mosaic piece is by far my favorite! Though life may not allow for me to express my art outwardly Jesus is always proving that he loves me by giving me this gift of a very colorful family!

                                                    Truth age 10...

                                                    Graham age 7...

                                                    Everett age 6

                                                    Israel age 5...

                                                    Aurora age 4...

                                                    Selah age 1...

                                                    Jeziryah age 1...