Walk along with us...

I am opening the flood gates and inviting everyone along on this (hopefully) path of healing. As many of my friends and family know one of my sons struggles with anger and aggression. He has been on his current meds now for over a year and I am feeling prompted to get them out of his system...

HERES THE CATCH...I have done this quite a few times before and each and every time it has ended horribly and we needed fast acting medication to basically force him to sleep and pumped him full of more chemicals to even his temper. I HATE THIS I have hated it sense we started BUT I do think that sometimes God uses these medications to aide in healing! If you are going to follow this journey do not expect just a nice clear pathway and beware that I will be sharing full truth. I am praying that we are able to do this BUT we may end up back on medication. The safety of this child and all family members around him is more important then my wanting him to be medicine free.

What is the plan...In April/May 2014 I dove head first into Young Living Essential oils and have been LOVING them! I started them right away on my son and within a month we cut out the morning dose of this current medication. He loves the way they smell and he says they "help me feel calm". I am basically just winging it when it comes to what we are using. I let him test them all out and what we came down to out of the stock I have at home is as follows...

Panaway on his neck and down his back whenever he is starting to feel angry.
Peace and Calming on his feet, hands, and temples if he is ALREADY mad.
Stress Away all day before any angry feelings.

We use all of the above at night before bed and then throughout the day as needed.

He likes a combo of Stress Away, Joy, and panaway if we are going out somewhere. We apply the stress away to his wrists, I draw a heart on his chest with the joy (just bc it is cute!) and put panaway on his shoulders or neck. We always apply Thieves in some form when leaning home.

I just got Cypress oil and started that last night for bedwetting...I think the bedwetting is from the medication. I also just received Release which I am praying will open new pathways in this amazing little boys brain.

That brings us to the here and now. Last night we stopped all medication. NO prescription mood stabilizer NO melatonin...just oils (and exercise and good food). Going to sleep took a lot longer then normal. 40 mins as compared to 10 but there are other factors there as well (like mommy hitting a fruit stand yesterday). Tonight my plan is to put a diffuser in their room to aide with sleep.

The medication he was on leaves the system in 12 hours. We have had enough blood work to show that this is basically true. His day so far has been wonderful no issues that you would not expect from a typical boy. I am looking forward to traveling this path and excited to see where it leads!

One very important thing to remember is that the everything that we are doing we are asking Jesus first. I would say that I chat with my creator and his son hundreds of times throughout the day! I feel complete peace in using Young Living oils for my children and that PEACE comes from my God. If you have any interest in what a relationship with someone you cannot see is like PLEASE ASK ME ANYTHING! I "see" Jesus so many times a day it is so reassuring that even my mistakes can be turned into something good.

Please pray with us in complete healing for my little man.

Amen...

 

Jello and Kidney Stones...

My level of transparency on my current well being has been very shady. I feared that I would easily lose the trust of my children if I continued to allow myself the ability to process who I am and who I want to be through written word.

That stops tonight.

I have always known that part of my way to process anything was to write it down. I have tons of notebooks filled with my thoughts and transparencies from early through a couple years ago. Now I don't just enjoy the thrill of writing the words down and the time alone I get with Jesus to process what those words say back to me, I enjoy the thrill of having others read what I share and giving their opinions. I enjoy their kind comments, the advice from strangers, the reassurance that all will be ok, and even the comments that taste like hot lava running down my throat. Now as with everything else there truly is only one opinion that matters to me and that opinion belongs to Jesus. No matter which way to spin the Jesus thing I am totally one hundred percent in. I am sure that my Jesus loves me even when no one else does. I am sure that my Jesus smiles with me, enjoys my children with me, takes on challenges with me, and catches me when the entire world gets torn from beneath my feet.

"Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree" I LOVE that quote. If I had to sum up my experience of raising an 18 year for under 6 months it would be something like "Raising a teenager is like having a gag tied around your mouth, chains around your body and being anchored to the bottom of a far off lake." It is lonely and tiring and one of the worst things God has ever asked me to be a part of. I have had a few hard hits over the past 4 years all starting with learning that my marriage was a lie, terribly difficult pregnancy, terribly difficult adoption, kidney stones, kids getting kicked out of school, violent kids, hospital stay after hospital stay. money crap, MONO. Though everyone has their list and mine is neither easier or harder just different. Over the past four years I have lost most of who I should be. Don't read that wrong I am extremely strong willed and have not lost totally who I am just who I should be. The past 6 months have been the ones where I cannot even try to hold my head above water, it honestly is no wonder that I have mono. Jesus had to give it a name so I would be willing to share with others how low I have sunk. I feel so defeated in terms of parenting an 18 year old. I have tried hard to give her space, be involved, get to know her friends but not be the annoying mom. I have cared beyond cared about this child and everything I do is thrown back in my face. I am completely used to this with my younger ones but to have an adult verbally assault me on a regular basis...it just does something to you. I have spent more time on the phone or in the office or at the hospital or at therapy with this child than any other over the past 6 months. I find myself often imagining what Jesus must feel like with how defiantly we live our lives. How often do we tell him no and just do what we want. I think that God is using this experience to answer my years long prayer to allow me to see others as He sees them but he flipped my intent. I wanted to have more compassion and instead he is showing me the ugly in me. I wanted to look on my enemies with kindness and instead I get to experience someone screaming out to me "why do you even care, I don't want you to care". I am being broken.

Now in the past 6 months I have seen true heartache from this child. I have seen what trauma looks like on an 18 year old face and it has crushed me. I would not trade these terrible 6 months, the growth that I have seen is wonderful. I have seen her feel good about accomplishments and experience joy with the family. I have seen her really put effort into some things. That is what makes where I sit right now so difficult. She is 18, she is an adult, and she is choosing to not follow the house rules. I stand at a cross roads and I honestly am not sure which way I will turn. I cannot keep up the way that I am or my next post will be from a hospital bed. I need a break, I need to be able to take a breath.

Loving others does not always feel good. It is not always saying yes, it is not always coming to the rescue of your children's mistakes. Love sometimes hurts and no matter which way this all goes, tomorrow someone will be hurting. Ugh, so in this story Love almost equals hurt...I don't like that.

I have felt like if I quit I would get a break but God spoke LOUD and FIRM through the voice of a constable at LCBC. He told me "Every fight is worth it" ,"KEEP FIGHTING" he shared a bit of his story and then lovingly said "I appreciate what you are doing for her, she NEEDS you!" I promise it was as if I had a conversation with God himself; I could feel Him speaking into me. I don't know what this means for tomorrow but I do know that I am letting the chains go and not going to feel guilty for sharing the difficulties of parenting a teen.

Some days I feel bad for Ryan. This is NOT his chosen path...it is where Jesus wants him but it is still a bit of a stretch. He is the man stuck in the middle now with the hormonal teen and the wounded wife. I think everyone needs to get him some soda :)...Though being that today is our 9 year anniversary I think he should count himself as lucky! Not all men get a wife who can hold her own in fist fights, talk to doctors like they are speaking English, understand enough Amharic to keep our girls in line and at the end of the day he does not need to get me jewelry because I make my own stones.

Mosaic...

I think in pictures. As in literally I see pictures in my mind as a series of thoughts are processed. I have assigned photos or colors or numbers or a mix of all for people in my life. Emotions are processed much the same way. Being that I think this way turning my colors and pictures into written language is sometimes difficult. I have a deep desire to share with you a vision/picture/grouping of colors that God has shared with me. Big surprise I pray and communicate with God in much the same way.

What do you see here. A pile of broken tiles? A mess? A project in the waiting? I see my family...clear as day. I see the potential, the beauty, the pain, the mess. I see that these were once whole and are now broken. I see heartache...loss...want. I see the ability for change, growth, strength. I see us.

I see the little boy who made me a Mommy...I see the son I share with a dear friend...I see a child who we were told would never function...I see a daughter from a far off land...I see unexpected pregnancies...I see children to come...I see life.

I ask often that God would use the mess that my family is to bring others eyes to Jesus. I want the brokenness of adoption to show Gods love. I want the struggles with extra parenting, special needs, and marital struggles to be the picture of hope and redemption. I want to be seen...

I feel that the thoughts of tiles in relation to my family can honestly only point in one direction...a Beautiful Mosaic. How else do you use broken, hurting, damaged people to create nothing less then a masterpiece? When I think of my family I see them like this. We are all still broken, sharp around the edges and may not resemble each other...BUT...when laid out in Gods plan with the knowledge and trust of an amazing heavenly father holding us tightly together we are a family.

When I begin to feel overwhelmed or stressed with my current life situation I try to pull up these images and remind myself that ONLY God holds the plans for the frame to this family! I may not and will not limit Him!!!! This photo does a decent job of showing what I mean. We refuse to say no to Jesus. If Jesus wants another member to join our family there is ALWAYS room. We will not define the size based on what society, friends or family say is right.

I honestly have always loved the images that fill my mind...especially surrounding my family! The idea of an unfinished mosaic piece is by far my favorite! Though life may not allow for me to express my art outwardly Jesus is always proving that he loves me by giving me this gift of a very colorful family!

                                                    Truth age 10...

                                                    Graham age 7...

                                                    Everett age 6

                                                    Israel age 5...

                                                    Aurora age 4...

                                                    Selah age 1...

                                                    Jeziryah age 1...

School...

A verse to cling to in the coming days...Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."...this is also one of our first verses for homeschool this year, YES you read that right HOMESCHOOL....

We know that God has used us in many ways to help reform different systems. Usually it is a Drs office, insurance company or hospital. This time it is a school...not just any school...the public school that my oldest three children will be attending this year. We have come up against a stone wall and the only way to have a great educational experience for my children is to find a way to bust though. We have full faith that God is before us on this path and that there is nothing to fear. KNOWING that does NOT mean that I do it though, I am in knots and totally sick over the school meetings that are on the calender this week! I feel like I am in a true fight, and one I cannot afford to loose.

I do not feel a peace about sharing the details but due to the actions of the school administration we have decided that the healthiest place for Israel to complete kindergarten is right here at home! Here he will have all of his individual needs met everyday and we are not working to a test. God actually made this decision very clear for us and we are trying to embrace it with open arms! After my homeschool flop with Graham last year I had sworn off the idea of ever tying it again! Well thank God that I am not in control here ;)

I am trying to place my ENTIRE ATTENTION on what God is doing RIGHT NOW and not worry about that the future is bringing. To be specific trying not to worry about if Israel will actually be educated by a scatter brained mom who would rather play games and have art experiences then HOMESCHOOL...wait isn't that what homeschooling is?? Playing "school" and experiencing the art of raising my children? That is the way that I need to view it!

We know that Aurora was a gift given directly to Israel. She was placed in our family to facilitate healing and growth that no one though possible! Aurora and Israel and two peas in a pod so we will not only be instructing Israel at home but Aurora as well. She is thrilled that she gets to be in kindergarten this year and their excitement is aiding in pushing me to be the selfless mother they deserve, get off my butt, and get ready for school!

I am not exactly sure what we would label ourselves this year as far as school is concerned...some mix between public and home...I would like to think that we are making the best choice today for each of the children we have been blessed to care for. 

PRETEEN...

Today marks 4 weeks that Truth has been on US soil, and here is my FIRST blog about life as a family of 8.

I have thought through these words over and over. I want to be as transparent as possible without sounding unrealistic! As of this moment...4 weeks in...life with Truth in it is so much more then I could have ever imagined! She has adjusted faster, bonded better, and opened up easier then anyone could have ever predicted! At the risk of this just being full of sunshine and fairy dust I want to share how each child has responded to our newest addition.

Graham...My extremely intelligent, very perceptive, wonderful little boy who struggles with attachment...He has grasped onto the idea of having an older, in charge, sister amazingly! He loves her snuggles and is the only one of the siblings who can pronounce "Hirite". He struggled the first couple days by acting out at camp and showing some of his anxiety behaviors...We believe he was struggling with wanting to bond to Truth and being very scared to bond to her. He has waited so long for her to come home it was as if he was afraid that she would all of a sudden leave. Overall Graham IS BONDING to Truth!!!!!! They play very well together and Graham is enjoying teaching her how to read.

Everett...My very helpful, extra inquisitive, super cute little man who struggles with violence...He has accepted Truth as if she has always been with us. I often find them cuddled on the couch watch tv together. They pick on each other!! During the first week home Everett showed Truth his scary side and she showed him that she is boss...we have seen a drastic decline in Everett's behavior directly related to Truth being with us! Everett has enjoyed eating the Ethiopian food, dancing in the living room with his big sister, and tries hard to show her how to do things around the house!

Israel...My overly cuddly, very handsome, fantastically athletic mamma's boy...He is HEAD OVER HEALS IN LOVE with Truth! If he is sad and I am not around he runs into her arms for comfort! He has loved praying with and for Truth. I am honestly not sure if he realizes that she is "new" to our family! When we got her picture he was only just 3 so she has ALWAYS been part of his life! His one struggle with her is that he yells at her when she does not understand him...we are trying to explain that she CAN hear you she just does not understand...to which he usually replies "oh yeah she speaks Spanish"...I believe that at this point Israel would be lost with out Truth in his life!

Aurora...My amazingly caring, wildly individual, very giving little lady...here is where our path has a few bumps. Aurora did not adjust well at first! Actually up until about 5 days ago I was a little unsure about her ever accepting Truth as her sister! Aurora became very anxious, she did not want to be near Truth or talk to her. She was VERY jealous of any attention that I would give to Truth and she was very whiny!!!!! Thanks be only to Jesus that she is coming around. Well not really "coming around" more so "came around" right this second Aurora is sleeping IN Truths room! They have been sharing Truths room for the past 6 nights :). Aurora seems like she is now ok with being knocked off her "oldest girl in the house post"...she is now trying to dress like Truth, do her hair the same, and I can always find those two together! They love doing nails, hair, lotion, and make up together...they have started getting their clothing out the night before to make sure it matches LOL and Truth makes sure that Aurora goes to sleep at night! Over all they are doing GREAT now!

Selah...My extremely playful, very affectionate, super smiley child with FPIES...Selah is Selah lol. She loves Truth on her terms. She occasionally becomes annoyed at the amount of attention Truth wants to give her but typically plays nicely. Selah has become very used to Truth helping with her care...she loves for Truth to put her into and take her out of her carseat! She WILL take a nap for her and allows Truth to change her diaper. I am glad to know the Selah will NEVER remember life before Truth!

TRUTH...My amazingly thankful, extremely full of personality, very loving PRE
TEEN...Truth has adjusted fantastic so far! She loves her brothers and sisters totally and fully and NORMALLY! All the fears that where whispered into my ear have proven to be nothing but fears. I know that at any moment Truth could start throwing fits or items ;) but I think I am prepared for that! Truth loves helping around the house! She is teaching her siblings how to make their beds because she is the BEST bed maker EVER! She loves pretty much everything we cook and lets us know when she is unhappy! She has been opening up and "sharing" as much as she can! She is openly affectionate with both me and Ryan! At the end of the day she asks for Daddy to pray with her and then uses her hands and opens them like a book asking him to read her Bible!! Truth is just plain FANTASTIC...

With Truth being so fantastic I am afraid that we have a little too pretty of a story of older child adoption. I do not want to trick anyone into wanting to walk this path as I know that not all paths are this "easy". I am just blown away day after day at how normal this all feels!

The praise belongs ONLY to Jesus...

The next big thing...

This is not what you think it is...this is not a special post about how wonderful it is that I will be picking up Truth in the am...this is not a post about the emotional ups and downs that I have felt making it this far...This is a post about a true struggle that I am having here. Now. With myself...

I am struggling with not being angry...at who...at you. Harsh, I am aware! I am angry that I have friends who seem to value things more then people...yes you the one saying no I don't...I am angry that I value things more then people. "But Dani you are amazing and you adopted so many kids with so many needs" I know but that is not enough. It is not enough that we do nice things, adopt cute kids, give tiny bits of money, SHOW OFF ON FB the tiny things that we do. I am guilty of it too don't worry I am not judging anyONE specific but I am angry at us all. Yes I more then likely am experiencing this because outside my window there are people starving, let that sink in PEOPLE ARE STARVING...get it? When is the last time that you were actually STARVING? Not hungry...I mean you don't know where the next meal is coming from , NOTHING on reserve type of starving? If you are reading this and you HAVE experienced this then I am so very sorry! Sorry I was too self centered to see your need! For my friends who say "Dani we honestly do not have ANY extra!"...do you EVER eat out? Do you EVER eat more then needed? Ever throw food away? Do you own more then one shirt, pair of pants, pair of shoes, car, house? Do your children play sports?...um extra.

The other evening I had coffee with someone who I have quickly fallen in love with! During our chatting she told me a story of a church in Haiti (you know that place that you feel sorry for so you send some money every now and then) where the paster will close the doors and say "you are not leaving until we have enough money to cover this need"...he has also said things like "if you have two coats go and sell one"...this church in Haiti is sacrificing, not the kind of sacrificing that sponsoring one child does...the kind of sacrifice that hurts, that they feel daily, and that LEADS THEM TO TURN TO THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TRULY PROVIDE FOR US!!!!!!!!

Wow do I feel selfish! ALL 6 of my children have TOO much! Ryan and I have more then necessary!!!! We have a large tv, nice home, and two cars!!!!! I am NOT saying the God is asking us to all live in poverty!! But I am implying that we are too selfish! I am also NOT saying that all of my friends need to run out and adopt! What I am saying is that we NEED to care for others sacrificially .that may look like sponsoring multiple children and not having cable, that may look like doing without your daily coffee to buy a well of clean water somewhere in the world, it may look more radical for you...like doing with one car, one tv, one computer...hehe or no tv (did I really just say that! I LOVE TV...oh and FB)

So friends please...give more then you have...let yourself be uncomfortable...allow your children to miss the next big thing...and yield the amazing joy that ONLY comes to those who LIVE IN HIM!!

Digging in the DIRT...again????

I need to publicly offer a huge THANK YOU to the individual who has chosen to repeatedly report claims about us to our local children and youth!!!! If it were not for you we would not have ever had so many amazing opportunities to show just how FANTASTIC this Fasnacht Family truly is!!!!!

Thank you for giving us a chance to totally brag about what an amazing Father and Husband Ryan is! By claiming that he is not involved and hardly ever home CYA was able to hear all the wonderful stories that our therapy team were more then glad to share...such as how Ryan comes home at lunch to not only help with school transport but with lunch prep and spends those few extra minutes with the children...or how his "many trips" were actually 2 trips one to Ethiopia to adopt our daughter and one to Honduras through Compassion International paired with the company that he is employed by!...or how truly impressed our BSC is with how involved Ryan is with our behavior plans for the children!!!!!

Thank you for giving us a chance to show how far and wide we have searched, and are continuing to search, for help for our children with needs! Your claims that our discipline was harsh and our sleeping arrangements were wrong opened doors for social workers to learn what home life looks like raising children with traumatic pasts! CYA was thrilled with the amount of services we have taken advantage of! Our pediatrician, BSC, MT, TSS, Trauma therapist, and staff at Hershey medical were MORE THEN HAPPY to share their thoughts and opinions on the subject...and lets just say they made us shine!!!!

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to meet an amazing social worker at Hershey Medical Center!!! Though you may think that I am going against medical advice by not having my sons tonsils out the Drs were VERY QUICK to clarify that there were more tests that needed done and the Dr performing the surgery still has questions regarding the safety of the procedure! Honestly how am I to remove tonsils...I am SO NOT a Dr!!!! I loved getting to spend HOURS on the phone making sure that I was in no way harming my child (just to make sure) by not having his tonsils out yet!

Thank you for the ability to educate children and youth of Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome (FPIES) and how a bolus feed works, by questioning why Selah is not "hooked up" 24 hours a day I was able to share that she eats four times a day 200ml at a time over the course of 45 mins...this will teach her that there are "eating times" so she does not completely forget how to "eat". The social worker found everything very interesting and thought that Selah looked very healthy. This social worker will now be BLESSED to meet Dr Ammons when she verifies my words tomorrow!!!!

Thank you for sharing your concern that Selah had tasted a strawberry! I may very well have been concerned as well if it had not been under medical direction that we trialed strawberries. For your information after our official diagnosis Selah has tried (and failed) pedilyte, bananas, and strawberries...which means that after a period of time her body decided that the food is a dangerous substance and rejects it. Her reactions could be as mild as an elevated WBC and loose stool to a full reaction where she vomits to the point of dehydration and possible shock. I feel OVERLY BLESSED that your concern is spreading the news about FPIES!!!!!!!!

This blog is written in FULL TRANSPARENCY and TOTAL HONESTY I love spending time with individuals who are needing to learn of the love of Jesus and along with my children's needs comes a lot of people!!!!!! Thank you for bringing an entire other agency into our lives that we can hopefully impresses upon them the UNFAILING and EVER PRESENT love of our Jesus!!!!!!

My only fear in all of this is that there are truly needy families who would completely benefit from the services that CYA can provide...and because we are taking up so much of their time I fear that others may be missing out! I am very thankful for the therapy teams that we have worked with through out the years and especially how quickly they jumped into action to help protect us as a family and my children as individuals! I am sad to say that a couple of my children are really struggling with CYA involvement, though we have some over the top therapists who have given extra just to make sure they feel safe (even our trauma therapist who
had discharged our boys arranged an appointment RIGHT AWAY!!!!!....now that is Jesus is skin right there, pure love!!!)

Family and Friends as you read this PLEASE do not become upset with whoever has chosen to spend their time digging in the dirt. PLEASE start to pray for them RIGHT NOW!!!! I believe that this person or people really need to not only feel Jesus but to SEE JESUS!!!! Now trust me I have tried on the emotions of being angry, upset, embarrassed, hurt, ashamed...and then thankfulness...and I must say that thankfulness feels SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!

My prayer is that CYA will see the truth that God knows about our family, that where ever the calls are coming from God will send someone to meet them where they are at and help them begin to heal!!!! I pray for peace for this person or people I pray for strength for them I pray for protection from their lies!!!!! Please Lord forgive them for their claims against us as I am SURE you have forgiven me for feeling angry at them. I ask this NOW IN JESUS NAME AMEN!!!!!!!