Tiny gifts, social security and lawyers oh my!

Before I crazy laugh my way into hysteria I thought I would come to my safe spot and jot down a few notes...

We owe the attorney TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED dollars, totally no big deal because Jesus is ahead of me and money started growing on trees out front yesterday you know when one of my lovely children decided to harm their not so inexpensive instrument.

We owe the attorney a publication fee ($1,000+) to file information in a newspaper somewhere about someone so that this adoption can be finalized and another child can share the Fasnacht name.

This adoption could have been the very easiest out of all the adoptions we have ever done (4 down, many more to come???). Jesus knows that I don't do normal, that I don't appreciate normal and that I certainly do not brag about normal so of course this is anything but normal! We have spent over $3,000 so far on this Journey and will likely be looking at $5,000 to $7,000 more (or more, who knows).

11 days ago Jesus handed me a gift. I teeny tiny gift. 4 pounds of perfection! This baby girl is mine to love for maybe 24 more hours, maybe more maybe less (get the unknown part). I have watched as Jesus has used people to shower this tiny one with diapers, formula, clothing and so on. Anything that she needs has been provided for (Jesus meets needs). Jesus not only loves her mommy enough to pave a way to avoid foster care and a CAR ACCIDENT He loves me enough to gift me this time with her. Time to absorb that 4 pounds of goodness, times to watch Jesus provide for her needs, time to watch her fully accept the love we have to offer (I need to accept the love from others...get it). I feel overwhelmed that Jesus is able to speak to me through a 4 pound piece of perfection! He is speaking to me through a beautiful mess. He is showing me that he is trustworthy and kind, loving and willing. He is showing me that I just need to be as this baby has been...willing to accept.

The phone call before the attorneys call was the social security office...hahaha...they wanted to verify information on my family for a child who is receiving benefits. Side note here, this child was receiving about $100 per month that covered gas to appointments and then was going to be sent to camp...this summer they cut it down to $30 hahahahaha...Its ok Jesus is bigger. This summer I spent countless hours submitting everything needed for a review of his case so that I could help full fund camp...they refused to accept that or talk to me. SO in swoops Jesus, the man on the phone explained that they "randomly review" cases and my sons ended up on his desk. At the end of the call he explained that with my son not living here right now they do not need to take our income into account!!!!! He said we should be recieving a ton more money to help with camp!!!!! AND he said that they OWE US MONEY for the past 24 months that they were shorting us!!!!! Oh my goodness! So basically we had a savings account for such a time as this with no knowledge. Now I have no idea how much this will end up being but I do have an idea it will be exactly what we need!

Whenever I start to feel unseen by the ones around me I stop to look for signs that I am seen by the only one who matters. I have never found a time where Jesus was not fully present in my life!

Tiny gifts, social security and lawyers oh my! 

overly confident...

In the months we prepared to become foster parents, all those years ago, by far the greatest fear that we heard from others was "what will that do to your biological children". Now please note at the time I was still an overly confident twenty one year old who was positive that I was going to change the world. I thought that others were crazy to worry about my biological children, who were not even a thought yet, and goodness they were scared what my foster children would do to them? I am so glad that not only was I confident in my ability to change the world I was a million times more confident in my Gods ability to go before me and ensure that we walked in the right direction.  I was recently prompted by a very close friend to "imagine what it would be like with only my biological children". Together we went through Aurora and Selah's little lives. I would be a mother with two living biological children and 1 dead biological child. That would be the extent of my parenting. Auroras birth was extremely typical, I would have raised and loved a very typical daughter for three years, though a loss and then on to birth Selah. Selahs pregnancy brought devastating health situations for me and her. Selahs birth was so traumatic I think I would have been lost in postpartum and her health deteriorated so quickly I could have completely lost myself. If it were only those two just as I was getting a grasp on Selahs health Aurora would have started to have her episodes
requiring tons of attention. Processing through that possibility is absolutely terrifying!!!! I want to scream praises to Jesus for asking us to become foster parents first, for adopting first, for my boys needs to be first. I needed to walk a gradual up hill battle to build up the strength needed to have my biological children. Through my first children's needs I learned how to navigate the insurance world. I was introduced to all the children's hospital within a 3 hour radius and I built wonderful relationships with many many Doctors and nurses who would be needed every step of the way in my biological children's medical journeys. I can understand why others were so fearful of an overly confident 21 year old! I can understand why they would be fearful that the trauma that foster care brings would alter us forever and I can say that they were absolutely correct that it has forever altered us! It has impacted my biological children but it is not in the way that produces fear. The creation of my family has always been in God's timing. Some of my best moments are when I can connect tiny pieces together. I had no real reason to adopt before we had biological children other then a burning desire that I can only describe as a "need" placed there by Jesus. I can now look back and see that I was no where ready to handle Aurora or Selah. I can say that the compassion that all of my children have developed for each other from each others struggles is something the is continuously needed. Aurora had three years to learn how to truly love another who cannot currently love you back before her medically needy little sister was born. We have never struggled with sibling jealously just loads of love for each other. Aurora had already seen, heard and experienced many many hospital settings and doctors offices in her life before her episodes started making her fear level much lower. My children have watched their siblings be healed from things and heard Doctors shock and awe over them! Selah's allergist told the children it was a miracle and maybe Jesus is real. They believe that Jesus is powerful and they truly believe that they will someday change the world!

So as I sit here, still an overly confident now 31 year old I still have the belief that I can change the world. My children are living proof that the world can be changed, altered for the better. We can take broken things and through Jesus they are made whole! I am raising eight, confident, world changers who daily struggle with sin and watch as they and others around them are forgiven. I am raising children who believe in healing but who also believe in the need for suffering. I am raising children who are so much better together than they ever would have been apart. I am raising the children that God knew would need me and I have discovered along the way that I need them.

Today I am praising Jesus for perspective!

We as a people...

I was prompted to write this all down last May, though I refused. I know better then to refuse leading from Jesus but I often take advantage of my own free will and then have to live though an experience to remind me of what I have been asked to do. Here goes nothing...

Many of you are familiar with my family (if not search through my blog) and many of you are aware of Aurora's recent neuroblastoma "scare". If you were not aware my daughter Aurora, who is 7, started having strange health issues, resulting in many many tests and concluding that she must have a cancerous tumor called a neuroblastoma. Testing with oncology proved that her first test was some how a false positive or lab error. PRAISE JESUS for that! We only had a taste of the terror, the fear, then unknown that so many families are going through every single day! This is where my thoughts get tricky to express and my reasoning of refusing to try to muddle through them last year. We as a people do cancer support! We totally rock! My statuses were shared hundreds of times to cover us in prayer! People who had never heard of us were messaging, visiting, SUPPORTING us during this time of terror. I don't believe an hour would go by without an offer for help, Bible verse shared, prayer sent, food delivered, or phone call would come in! We were surrounded by SUPPORT! Possible cancer equals support...cancer, support, wow.

*I need to add in right here that my village is STRONG! The following is not a reflection of MY VILLAGE*

When I replace the word "cancer" with "RAD", "PTSD", "BIPOLAR, "MENTAL ILLNESS" why does the word "support" often change to "alone, empty or judged"? When I shared that Aurora possibly had cancer there was not one person who messaged me and said "maybe if you just loved her more this would go away" or "are you sure she looks healthy to me" BUT do you know how many families, when finally sharing about mental illness get those responses and worse! Yes cancer has terrible treatment options that take children and parents out of the home for hours, days, weeks and more but so does mental illness. In 2014-2015 we had a child/children in a psychiatric hospital for about a total of 9 months. That displaces the normal routines, we lost work hours, we spent hundreds on gas to get to and from these places, more on food to provide my children with needed nutrition, we missed out on birthdays and special times. Thankfully we have a wonderful village but what about the families who do not? We say cancer and even a stranger will spare time or money, we say mental illness and people stare at the ground. Even the medical professionals are kinder in a cancer situation...I get it the child did not choose to have cancer, guess what my children did NOT choose their mental illness. Some forms of cancer have a 95% cure rate I LONG FOR A CURE FROM MENTAL ILLNESS! There are mental health treatments that are effective in about 8 out of 10 people if continued LIFE LONG! BUT you say "cancer kills people" guess what so does a mental illness. These are things that I let set in while pondering Aurora and her possibility of having cancer and I found my self saying "well at least it is not depression" CRAZY I KNOW I should never ever admit that I had those thoughts, that the idea of years of chemo was not as scary as life long mental illness treatment. Many will label me a terrible mother and person for that, thank God I shed my need for human approval at the same time I shed the social norm for family size, make and model. Please do not misinterpret this CANCER SUCKS! I believe my favorite cancer hashtag is #FUCKCANCER (yes that is the F word in writing by me on my birthday...deal with it). I feel a deep need to completely cover EVERY family facing cancer with love, prayer and SUPPORT!!! I commend the villages that hold these families up because, trust me, without you they could not move in a forward direction! I challenge the villages, or current spectators, of families walking with mental illness to take a few, heck a million, pointers from the cancer villages and start to pair the words "mental illness" and "support" together. SUPPORT is so very beautiful and without my village my family would have crashed a long while ago!

I apologize for not attempting this blog a year ago. It would have been better then, I was at a more sound place in my moving forwardness...I stand on completely different ground today trying to figure out where I am headed and what that looks like so please accept my apologies!

We as a people do cancer support lets be a people who do support no matter the need...this is what I want for my birthday this year!

...and LOVE

This began as a run on facebook update and decided it was kinder to write my thoughts here then continue the sea of words that would spill onto my friends news feeds. As our friends and family know we have begun the journey of natural healing for my daughter Selah, she is the one with FPIES, lived in the hospital a ton in 2013 (yes the same year that Truth FINALLY came home). We have seen crazy results in very little time with my sweet Selah and I decided that if Selah could take these homeopathic remedies and be willing to eliminate tons of foods from her diet and feel FANTASTIC that I wanted in...I began seeing Dr Tomasetti and his team in the beginning of February. This rambling was all just to fill in the gapes needed to appreciate the following, enjoy...

Today I had "one of those days", we all have them. I am struggling in multiple relationships, my house is a mess, I sprained my ankle on Saturday so I cannot really walk, the emails from the teachers are ongoing...and so on...blah blah blah....I decided to call the Drs office and see if I could get in today to address my aching body, from falling and spraining my ankle. I could tell by the call that they were extremely busy but they got me in anyway and even close to the time Selah was there anyway! Selah had an amazing appointment with Miss Kim! We both were so excited to see how far Selah has journeyed in such a short time. We moved then into my appointment, I hid my "coffee" under the chair so Selah would not bump it and began being seen, About 24 seconds into my adjustment (did you know there is help for a sprain????) Selah says "oh no mommy", and I just knew, She must have kicked my cup over. I was instantly embarrassed and started to get really nervous! I know better then to have a partial cup of anything in an office, I have had other experiences such as this and I was just waiting for the looks of disapproval and comments about not bringing drinks, I tried to apologize quickly and hide my red face promising to clean it up. Guess what...the Drs calm quick reaction of asking someone to get paper towels and smiling at me with no sense of sudden hatred being shown on his face was like a breath of fresh air. A kind woman entered the room cleaned up the mess that my daughter had made due to my poor choice while chatting nicely with Selah. She then left returning shortly with my rinsed out coffee mug. I think I went through the rest of my appointment in slight shock. The Dr accepted my apologies and never once tried to make me feel bad! I felt awesome from the adjustment and left the room to schedule our future appointments. While scheduling Miss Kim surprised me with her homemade cream for my eczema! She had taken her time and found a jar filled it up and gave it to me...no strings...pure beauty. I apologized again at the front desk for my mess and was told "If that's the worst then this is a great day!"  

Not only are we experiencing physical healing through this office we are experiencing family, kindness, grace...and LOVE. PRAISE JESUS for this piece of our journey! There is a bright spot in my darkness and I have found a team willing to take on the Fasnacht Family without fear.

Wonder and Waldorf...

A theme that seems to be forever etched into our ever growing family is a perfect picture of God taking something broken and creating something more beautiful then one could ever imagine. I look back on the broken pieces of my journey in this life and see nothing but the perfect placement of brokenness held strongly to the next piece of brokenness by God's never ending love. I see medical doctors saying one thing and then watching healing, I see families destroyed by adoption and then made new through adoption, I see the death of dreams laying foundation for bigger and better realities, I see Jesus in every single step that I have ever taken.

Today I am reflecting on a very specific piece of this mosaic we call life...Israel...Israel entered our family through the foster care system. His family did not choose us and would have obviously preferred he remain in their family (as would have we if the roles were reversed). His adoption story is full of ups and downs and proof that God can heal even the most strained relationships. I believe his biological family and us needed the rocky start to create the strong love that we have for each other now. The details of his adoption are his and his alone at this point, though that is just part of this piece. When Israel came to live with us we had just adopted Graham and Everett was in the process of moving back home with his mommy. We received a phone call and almost instantly picked up a precious baby boy. The unbelievable joy and incredible pain that surrounded that day will never be forgotten. When Israel was just 3 months old we were told that he would "never walk talk or function" that is the same day Jesus told me to call him by the name of Israel for he was to be a fighter. That is a part I reference often because of the crazy cool things we watched happen through Israel in the following years. The part that I often leave out is that also when Israel was 3 months old I became pregnant with Aurora. During that pregnancy I believe I gave more of myself to Israel then I ever had given to a child before. It was almost as if the child within me needed Israel near and as if Israel need to be near that child. We joked around that it was like they were twins just carried in separate bellies. Every night when I rocked Israel to sleep he rubbed my belly and Aurora would leap every time she heard his voice. I was shocked when she was not born on his birthday because it seemed that it would make sense ;). Aurora was born 4 days after Israel's first birthday and as I often say she felt instantly adopted. When I brought her home from the hospital Israel acted as if he has found something he had always been looking for. Whenever I would nurse Aurora Israel would cuddle in my lap and rub her back or stand at my side and stare at her in amazement. At this point in Israel's development he had totally shocked the Dr's and therapists and was developing more large motor skills then they ever thought possible he was running and jumping! Their concerns were that he did not seem to do things with purpose. Such as he would walk aimlessly though the room with no intent to do anything, he would hold a toy but not play with it, he would babble but only when we worked really hard with him. He was alive but was not living in a sense. When Aurora was born he became her shadow and we watched this once "lifeless" child start to develop a sense of purpose. As Aurora developed so did he! When she learned to sit and play he finally found value in sitting and playing. When she learned to crawl he would follow her around crawling, he was copying her but more then that he was seeming to experience things as she experienced them. Every night for the next year I rocked them both to sleep on my lap as I had Israel while I was pregnant. They shared a room because he could not stand to be away from "ro-ra". To anyone close to us watching their relationship develop was such a beautiful thing! Through Aurora's birth there was such awakening in Israel, that right there is enough to prove to me that Jesus has this whole thing covered! These two have been best friends, brother and sister, "twins" from before I knew I was pregnant. They continue to love and encourage each other in a much different way then the rest of my children. Aurora is still the "leader" and Israel is still the "protector". When Aurora started at the Waldorf school in September we all could visibly see the amazing impact this had on her! We were instantly in love! The flip side to that was we could also see the negative impact this had on Israel and Auroras way of lifting each other up. They both showed signs of unnecessary anxiety, they would both spend moments each day crying because the other was not close and they both expressed true concern that the other was not around. We can truly see that in this stage of life they both need each other in such a special way I cannot put the right words to it. I started to feel slightly panicked about how I would repair this. Every time I talked to Jesus about them I was reminded of the neat connection they have and how Jesus has always used one for the other. I was not seeing the whole picture, Aurora is the leader it is her role to "test out" this new path of schooling. When the timing was just right God reviled to us that Israel was to join Aurora at the Waldorf school and HIS timing could not be more perfect! In September I could not have seen a way to afford having two children in private school, because that way had not been created yet! I am excited to share that as of Monday the wonder of Waldorf will be fully shared by Aurora and Israel. The "twins" have been united and not in any timeline that I could have created or would have foreseen! I so wish I could just stop trying to control what I have placed securely in Gods hands.

Praying for a refill...

If anyone is reading this beware. I am over tired and under thinking even before I am allowing myself to type these words.

Guys, I.am.drowning. I am grasping for breath and running out of the fight it takes to brake the surface and inhale. The worst part is that this is happening in full public view, as if I were in a glass box in the middle of town. I have reached out for help, begged for help, cried out to girlfriends and family and most of them offer to pray for me, which is fantastic if it is true. Thankfully the violence level in my home is at an all time low (praise Jesus) we are seeing huge progress in some areas. I am able to see the joy in all of that though I have lost my ability to feel any happiness attached to that joy. Physically I have too many things going on chat about here but just know the daily physical pain is getting to me.

I finally see the path to true healing for my children, true unconditional love. As in TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love that hurts and is messy. Love with little happiness and tiny rewards. Love with an unimaginable amount of grace. Love that no matter what refuses to give up...this takes years and years and apologies and grace and forgives. This take truly placing yourself last to those you are loving. This takes being "beaten" and "abused" time and time again knowing that it is  their defensive shield and not the scared child who is terrified to allow you in.

The problem with this new sight is that I have been viewing those in my life with a new perspective. I now wonder why those who can see me dying can offer nothing more then prayers. Goodness if this is the view that the world has on "Christians" I don't want to stand anywhere near that label or thought pattern. I officially am no longer a Christian. I am and forever will be a Christ Follower but I fear I have wandered too far away from "modern Christianity" I cannot live a life full of people who promise prayer just to get out of tangible assistance.

In this moment of physical pain and emotional death I am screaming praises that I can see the lies.  I am overly thrilled that we found "home" for some of my children in an amazing private school that takes part of my burden. I can see Jesus in my life every single day. I will never lose trust in who Jesus is. My forever is secure...my here and now just hurts like hell. The daily fight is overwhelming. Fighting the public school system sucks me dry and clinging to my children's healing is wearing me thin.

If anyone would please join me in really praying that someone would want to love me unconditionally, seems stupid and desperate to even ask that. My pride is at my feet. See I have experienced that love before and it is wonderful. I need healing and health so that I can continue being everything my children need. God would not have placed each of these children/mini adults in my care without having a plan to refill me over and over. Begging for that refill now.

The tale of 3 coats...

Recently God has been flooding my family with provision after provision. I believe He knows that the tough spot we are in with some of my children could completely crush us and He is lightening the load through His people. My son who struggles with violence and aggression has been hospitalized again due to behavior. The Drs are literally at a loss for a treatment plan and have decided (with our permission) to start a terrible medication. This medication is the end of the road of available medications to treat my precious child. The Drs were very interested in how the essential oils were able to maintain him for 7 whole months! They are offering the suggestion that we do meds from October through April and then wean the month of April to use just oils from May through September. You know these oils must be pretty awesome for the medical staff at a hospital to ask me to use them 6 months out of the year. With all that going on we also have another child in our home who is following the same path that this child had tracked. We have every therapy set up and tons of medical appointments to rule out other causes. Between hospital trips and medical appointments just these two children are proving to be a full time job. Not to mention preparing for a grandchild to join our family, a child starting in the public school system, regular medical, dental and vision checks, Ryan moving to a new more demanding position at work and my current silly health issues.

God was preparing us and our village for these events without us even knowing it.

If anyone doubts that my God is real then you need to walk through part of this week with me. Background in a nutshell...The kids do not all have snow pants this year NOT A NEED so I honestly have not been overly concerned We are devoted to paying off our debt this year and so even when I found pairs at goodwill I passed them saying "God will fill this want if he decides to".  The night before last night a dear friend contacted me asking if we needed any snow pants (praise Jesus) I told her that yes we could use them! She also offered a jacket or two and that got me a little more excited because one of the boys is really growing and his jacket is getting snug.  She offered to meet the very next morning (yeah snow is coming) and so we made plans. Yesterday (the day of the meet up) I woke up late, not sure how that happened as there is always someone up needing something!, so I rushed to get my brand new first grade student ready and in the car for school. His jacket was the one that is too small so I had decided to let him use his brothers jacket and found that this brother had totally broken the zipper and other parts of this jacket. I skipped food of any kind and was really feeling it walking through the school halls with my two babies that I nanny and some of my children. Side note I have been trying really hard to eat more during the day mono had taken over too much and I was only able to eat at night so now I am attempting to get my body back on track. I ran home picked up the rest of my children and headed out to meet for the winter clothing. When I arrived my friend got out of her car and handed me a smoothie!!!!!! She had made enough for her and her Husband as usual but he is out of town so she brought it to ME! God was FEEDING ME...She then gave us the winter clothing and surprised me with a pair of boots. I stood there in complete shock trying not to melt down emotionally (thinking back I probably looked rude...SORRY) as I prepared to look at the size thinking "I know God loves our family but seriously providing boots there is no chance they are the right size". Well they were the right size, see I have been searching consignment shops for weeks for a size 2 boot for Truth and here they were placed into my hands with no strings attached just because another family loves my Jesus and wants to care for my children! She did not know that Truth needed boots she just followed Gods promoting to give to my family!!! We thanked her and parted ways. When I arrived home I was shocked to find there were enough pants for all the big kids! When I started looking at the jackets I was becoming an emotional wreck...there was not 1 jacket, not 2 jackets BUT 3 JACKETS! It was as if Jesus was saying "I am replacing the one that is too small, I knew one was broken so I got that too...and we all know that child is rough on everything so here is another so there are no worries". He covered this tiny tiny need of ours. I love how much Jesus can be found in the details of my days I pray that I never ever loose the ability to see and recognize Him.

That is just a glimpse of the care I have received! I cannot count the number of times friends have stopped in with lunch for me or supper for my family. Our village has taking my children for play dates and special treats. They have offered me hours and hours of adult conversation. They have driven my children to events and activities so that I can be at the hospital. My big girls Betty and Truth have filled in the gaps where needed and have totally rocked it! My family has been built not born and I would not have it any other way!!!!

Praise Jesus for the details that I overlook and thank you everyone who has continued to say YES!

3 years ago today this verse was what I was praying over and over as I asked for life for Selah and I...it seems very fitting for this season of life as well.

“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
Matthew 7:7-8 MSG


 

Peace in the panic...

Yesterday my world was shaken. My child who struggles with violence decided to hurt his little sister. This does not happen in our home, his violence is always directed towards an adult who is in charge. When I say "violence" I am not meaning pushing, hitting, kicking for the intention of  getting a toy back or "just being kids". I am talking about violence in a true form or planned out intentional acts to seriously harm another person with no provoking from the other party. The details of yesterday are not what is important here. I allowed this behavioral outburst to shake me to the point of not seeing what God was trying to show me. He was answering in a very concrete way a question that I have been asking over and over recently. I have been begging God to show me what I will do when my son is bigger then me. It took a phone call with a good friend this am who pointed out that God had answered, not just answered but shown me.

You see when God asked us to parent this child he was not just asking us to parent him he was equipping us to parent him. I do not know why I was blind to this and just now see. God has also given us two other fiercely protective boys. These two love their siblings and parents and it shows in their actions. They were so fast to jump to their sisters aide and alert me to the situation I could not have asked for anything better! I have always looked past what is right in front of me...my other sons. They are here for so many reasons but one of those was to help me keep their brother safe from himself. They did not jump in and start hurting him they pulled him away and kept him safe from himself until I got there. They knew exactly what to do not to escalate the situation. They have lived in this world with me and have been learning right beside me and I did not see it. Something else we learned yesterday is that all the empowering teaching we have been doing with the little sister, due to her PTSD brought about by his violence, is that it has worked in a big way! She said that yes she was scared but she knew she could defend herself and she felt very protected by Jesus, her brothers and her mommy. She is developing into a fantastic girl.

Gods plans are so much bigger then we will ever see. My moment of panic has brought about a new peace. A peace only available from the one who made me. I am so thankful for my sons short comings that help form him into the man that God intends him to be. Possibly with out this childhood struggle with violence he would never be able to master the ability to calm those urges and he just needs years and years of practice.

Friends and family I challenge you, be thankful even for the ugly because some of the best clarity comes during a moment of panic.

Rage on Boy...

So

It happened...

He RAGED...

guess how long it lasted?

FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!!!!

Why?

Prayer and Essential Oils!!!!!

Seriously people. This is freaking fantastic! A typical full rage lasts at a minimum 45mins ON MEDICATION!!!!!!! He was full blow as we call it...Ryan asked him to clean up for supper and BAM gone just like that! He was growling, screaming, and hitting at Ryan when I got outside to see what was going on. I have the "you have two choices either clean up or go to bed"...he growled...I reminded him "I will now count to 3 if I reach 3 I will make the choice for you". I could see there was NO WAY he would be backing down or calming down or whatever you want to call it at this point. For those of you reading please know I do not mean a typical childhood tantrum where they cry for a while and throw a couple things...I am talking someone was going to end up in the hospital if we did not handle this correctly. I got to 3 and asked Ryan to carry him inside to his bedroom. The whole time he was clawing at Ryan and hitting, kicking, screaming things you never want to hear anyone say...On the way to his room I was panicking in my head thinking what medications do I have on hand to knock this kid out (per the Dr) so that we do not end up at the ER...Ryan placed him onto his floor and went for my oils bag. When Ryan returned he was still screaming at me but I caught a look on his face when he saw the bag that is not common during these rages...hope...he looked like he actually thought I could help him. I flipped him to his belly and dropped peace and calming, peppermint, and valor down his spine and massaged it up and down then out to the sides trying to push it into his little body. The whole time I am praying that God would lead my hands and choose the oils bc I was still scared. I flipped him back to his back and applied peppermint on his head, release to his neck and behind his ears and then joy to his heart. Though I could tell he was trying to stay mad his body very quickly started to relax! I asked him what he thought he needed to do and he replied "pray". He prayed a very sweet prayer to Jesus and then I asked what he should do next and he BURST INTO REAL TEARS and said "say sorry to daddy". He jumped up off the floor and embraced Ryan for a long time sobbing that he was so sorry he made a poor choice and he wants to stay calm. We talked about how he now needed to return to outside and follow through on cleaning up. He turned to walk upstairs paused looked over his shoulder at me and a whole new set of tears started as he ran into my arms and cried for a while THANING ME for helping him to calm down with oils!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM STILL IN AWE. I cannot put a dollar amount on what this is worth to us as a family. My son is HEALING in front of our eyes.

Please continue to pray with us! I know that through Jesus this is possible. In the moment it seemed like all hope was gone...actually it was just waiting for me to find it :)

So Rage on my Boy Rage on...healing is a comin...

Walk along with us...

I am opening the flood gates and inviting everyone along on this (hopefully) path of healing. As many of my friends and family know one of my sons struggles with anger and aggression. He has been on his current meds now for over a year and I am feeling prompted to get them out of his system...

HERES THE CATCH...I have done this quite a few times before and each and every time it has ended horribly and we needed fast acting medication to basically force him to sleep and pumped him full of more chemicals to even his temper. I HATE THIS I have hated it sense we started BUT I do think that sometimes God uses these medications to aide in healing! If you are going to follow this journey do not expect just a nice clear pathway and beware that I will be sharing full truth. I am praying that we are able to do this BUT we may end up back on medication. The safety of this child and all family members around him is more important then my wanting him to be medicine free.

What is the plan...In April/May 2014 I dove head first into Young Living Essential oils and have been LOVING them! I started them right away on my son and within a month we cut out the morning dose of this current medication. He loves the way they smell and he says they "help me feel calm". I am basically just winging it when it comes to what we are using. I let him test them all out and what we came down to out of the stock I have at home is as follows...

Panaway on his neck and down his back whenever he is starting to feel angry.
Peace and Calming on his feet, hands, and temples if he is ALREADY mad.
Stress Away all day before any angry feelings.

We use all of the above at night before bed and then throughout the day as needed.

He likes a combo of Stress Away, Joy, and panaway if we are going out somewhere. We apply the stress away to his wrists, I draw a heart on his chest with the joy (just bc it is cute!) and put panaway on his shoulders or neck. We always apply Thieves in some form when leaning home.

I just got Cypress oil and started that last night for bedwetting...I think the bedwetting is from the medication. I also just received Release which I am praying will open new pathways in this amazing little boys brain.

That brings us to the here and now. Last night we stopped all medication. NO prescription mood stabilizer NO melatonin...just oils (and exercise and good food). Going to sleep took a lot longer then normal. 40 mins as compared to 10 but there are other factors there as well (like mommy hitting a fruit stand yesterday). Tonight my plan is to put a diffuser in their room to aide with sleep.

The medication he was on leaves the system in 12 hours. We have had enough blood work to show that this is basically true. His day so far has been wonderful no issues that you would not expect from a typical boy. I am looking forward to traveling this path and excited to see where it leads!

One very important thing to remember is that the everything that we are doing we are asking Jesus first. I would say that I chat with my creator and his son hundreds of times throughout the day! I feel complete peace in using Young Living oils for my children and that PEACE comes from my God. If you have any interest in what a relationship with someone you cannot see is like PLEASE ASK ME ANYTHING! I "see" Jesus so many times a day it is so reassuring that even my mistakes can be turned into something good.

Please pray with us in complete healing for my little man.

Amen...

 

Jello and Kidney Stones...

My level of transparency on my current well being has been very shady. I feared that I would easily lose the trust of my children if I continued to allow myself the ability to process who I am and who I want to be through written word.

That stops tonight.

I have always known that part of my way to process anything was to write it down. I have tons of notebooks filled with my thoughts and transparencies from early through a couple years ago. Now I don't just enjoy the thrill of writing the words down and the time alone I get with Jesus to process what those words say back to me, I enjoy the thrill of having others read what I share and giving their opinions. I enjoy their kind comments, the advice from strangers, the reassurance that all will be ok, and even the comments that taste like hot lava running down my throat. Now as with everything else there truly is only one opinion that matters to me and that opinion belongs to Jesus. No matter which way to spin the Jesus thing I am totally one hundred percent in. I am sure that my Jesus loves me even when no one else does. I am sure that my Jesus smiles with me, enjoys my children with me, takes on challenges with me, and catches me when the entire world gets torn from beneath my feet.

"Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to a tree" I LOVE that quote. If I had to sum up my experience of raising an 18 year for under 6 months it would be something like "Raising a teenager is like having a gag tied around your mouth, chains around your body and being anchored to the bottom of a far off lake." It is lonely and tiring and one of the worst things God has ever asked me to be a part of. I have had a few hard hits over the past 4 years all starting with learning that my marriage was a lie, terribly difficult pregnancy, terribly difficult adoption, kidney stones, kids getting kicked out of school, violent kids, hospital stay after hospital stay. money crap, MONO. Though everyone has their list and mine is neither easier or harder just different. Over the past four years I have lost most of who I should be. Don't read that wrong I am extremely strong willed and have not lost totally who I am just who I should be. The past 6 months have been the ones where I cannot even try to hold my head above water, it honestly is no wonder that I have mono. Jesus had to give it a name so I would be willing to share with others how low I have sunk. I feel so defeated in terms of parenting an 18 year old. I have tried hard to give her space, be involved, get to know her friends but not be the annoying mom. I have cared beyond cared about this child and everything I do is thrown back in my face. I am completely used to this with my younger ones but to have an adult verbally assault me on a regular basis...it just does something to you. I have spent more time on the phone or in the office or at the hospital or at therapy with this child than any other over the past 6 months. I find myself often imagining what Jesus must feel like with how defiantly we live our lives. How often do we tell him no and just do what we want. I think that God is using this experience to answer my years long prayer to allow me to see others as He sees them but he flipped my intent. I wanted to have more compassion and instead he is showing me the ugly in me. I wanted to look on my enemies with kindness and instead I get to experience someone screaming out to me "why do you even care, I don't want you to care". I am being broken.

Now in the past 6 months I have seen true heartache from this child. I have seen what trauma looks like on an 18 year old face and it has crushed me. I would not trade these terrible 6 months, the growth that I have seen is wonderful. I have seen her feel good about accomplishments and experience joy with the family. I have seen her really put effort into some things. That is what makes where I sit right now so difficult. She is 18, she is an adult, and she is choosing to not follow the house rules. I stand at a cross roads and I honestly am not sure which way I will turn. I cannot keep up the way that I am or my next post will be from a hospital bed. I need a break, I need to be able to take a breath.

Loving others does not always feel good. It is not always saying yes, it is not always coming to the rescue of your children's mistakes. Love sometimes hurts and no matter which way this all goes, tomorrow someone will be hurting. Ugh, so in this story Love almost equals hurt...I don't like that.

I have felt like if I quit I would get a break but God spoke LOUD and FIRM through the voice of a constable at LCBC. He told me "Every fight is worth it" ,"KEEP FIGHTING" he shared a bit of his story and then lovingly said "I appreciate what you are doing for her, she NEEDS you!" I promise it was as if I had a conversation with God himself; I could feel Him speaking into me. I don't know what this means for tomorrow but I do know that I am letting the chains go and not going to feel guilty for sharing the difficulties of parenting a teen.

Some days I feel bad for Ryan. This is NOT his chosen path...it is where Jesus wants him but it is still a bit of a stretch. He is the man stuck in the middle now with the hormonal teen and the wounded wife. I think everyone needs to get him some soda :)...Though being that today is our 9 year anniversary I think he should count himself as lucky! Not all men get a wife who can hold her own in fist fights, talk to doctors like they are speaking English, understand enough Amharic to keep our girls in line and at the end of the day he does not need to get me jewelry because I make my own stones.

Mosaic...

I think in pictures. As in literally I see pictures in my mind as a series of thoughts are processed. I have assigned photos or colors or numbers or a mix of all for people in my life. Emotions are processed much the same way. Being that I think this way turning my colors and pictures into written language is sometimes difficult. I have a deep desire to share with you a vision/picture/grouping of colors that God has shared with me. Big surprise I pray and communicate with God in much the same way.

What do you see here. A pile of broken tiles? A mess? A project in the waiting? I see my family...clear as day. I see the potential, the beauty, the pain, the mess. I see that these were once whole and are now broken. I see heartache...loss...want. I see the ability for change, growth, strength. I see us.

I see the little boy who made me a Mommy...I see the son I share with a dear friend...I see a child who we were told would never function...I see a daughter from a far off land...I see unexpected pregnancies...I see children to come...I see life.

I ask often that God would use the mess that my family is to bring others eyes to Jesus. I want the brokenness of adoption to show Gods love. I want the struggles with extra parenting, special needs, and marital struggles to be the picture of hope and redemption. I want to be seen...

I feel that the thoughts of tiles in relation to my family can honestly only point in one direction...a Beautiful Mosaic. How else do you use broken, hurting, damaged people to create nothing less then a masterpiece? When I think of my family I see them like this. We are all still broken, sharp around the edges and may not resemble each other...BUT...when laid out in Gods plan with the knowledge and trust of an amazing heavenly father holding us tightly together we are a family.

When I begin to feel overwhelmed or stressed with my current life situation I try to pull up these images and remind myself that ONLY God holds the plans for the frame to this family! I may not and will not limit Him!!!! This photo does a decent job of showing what I mean. We refuse to say no to Jesus. If Jesus wants another member to join our family there is ALWAYS room. We will not define the size based on what society, friends or family say is right.

I honestly have always loved the images that fill my mind...especially surrounding my family! The idea of an unfinished mosaic piece is by far my favorite! Though life may not allow for me to express my art outwardly Jesus is always proving that he loves me by giving me this gift of a very colorful family!

                                                    Truth age 10...

                                                    Graham age 7...

                                                    Everett age 6

                                                    Israel age 5...

                                                    Aurora age 4...

                                                    Selah age 1...

                                                    Jeziryah age 1...

School...

A verse to cling to in the coming days...Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."...this is also one of our first verses for homeschool this year, YES you read that right HOMESCHOOL....

We know that God has used us in many ways to help reform different systems. Usually it is a Drs office, insurance company or hospital. This time it is a school...not just any school...the public school that my oldest three children will be attending this year. We have come up against a stone wall and the only way to have a great educational experience for my children is to find a way to bust though. We have full faith that God is before us on this path and that there is nothing to fear. KNOWING that does NOT mean that I do it though, I am in knots and totally sick over the school meetings that are on the calender this week! I feel like I am in a true fight, and one I cannot afford to loose.

I do not feel a peace about sharing the details but due to the actions of the school administration we have decided that the healthiest place for Israel to complete kindergarten is right here at home! Here he will have all of his individual needs met everyday and we are not working to a test. God actually made this decision very clear for us and we are trying to embrace it with open arms! After my homeschool flop with Graham last year I had sworn off the idea of ever tying it again! Well thank God that I am not in control here ;)

I am trying to place my ENTIRE ATTENTION on what God is doing RIGHT NOW and not worry about that the future is bringing. To be specific trying not to worry about if Israel will actually be educated by a scatter brained mom who would rather play games and have art experiences then HOMESCHOOL...wait isn't that what homeschooling is?? Playing "school" and experiencing the art of raising my children? That is the way that I need to view it!

We know that Aurora was a gift given directly to Israel. She was placed in our family to facilitate healing and growth that no one though possible! Aurora and Israel and two peas in a pod so we will not only be instructing Israel at home but Aurora as well. She is thrilled that she gets to be in kindergarten this year and their excitement is aiding in pushing me to be the selfless mother they deserve, get off my butt, and get ready for school!

I am not exactly sure what we would label ourselves this year as far as school is concerned...some mix between public and home...I would like to think that we are making the best choice today for each of the children we have been blessed to care for. 

PRETEEN...

Today marks 4 weeks that Truth has been on US soil, and here is my FIRST blog about life as a family of 8.

I have thought through these words over and over. I want to be as transparent as possible without sounding unrealistic! As of this moment...4 weeks in...life with Truth in it is so much more then I could have ever imagined! She has adjusted faster, bonded better, and opened up easier then anyone could have ever predicted! At the risk of this just being full of sunshine and fairy dust I want to share how each child has responded to our newest addition.

Graham...My extremely intelligent, very perceptive, wonderful little boy who struggles with attachment...He has grasped onto the idea of having an older, in charge, sister amazingly! He loves her snuggles and is the only one of the siblings who can pronounce "Hirite". He struggled the first couple days by acting out at camp and showing some of his anxiety behaviors...We believe he was struggling with wanting to bond to Truth and being very scared to bond to her. He has waited so long for her to come home it was as if he was afraid that she would all of a sudden leave. Overall Graham IS BONDING to Truth!!!!!! They play very well together and Graham is enjoying teaching her how to read.

Everett...My very helpful, extra inquisitive, super cute little man who struggles with violence...He has accepted Truth as if she has always been with us. I often find them cuddled on the couch watch tv together. They pick on each other!! During the first week home Everett showed Truth his scary side and she showed him that she is boss...we have seen a drastic decline in Everett's behavior directly related to Truth being with us! Everett has enjoyed eating the Ethiopian food, dancing in the living room with his big sister, and tries hard to show her how to do things around the house!

Israel...My overly cuddly, very handsome, fantastically athletic mamma's boy...He is HEAD OVER HEALS IN LOVE with Truth! If he is sad and I am not around he runs into her arms for comfort! He has loved praying with and for Truth. I am honestly not sure if he realizes that she is "new" to our family! When we got her picture he was only just 3 so she has ALWAYS been part of his life! His one struggle with her is that he yells at her when she does not understand him...we are trying to explain that she CAN hear you she just does not understand...to which he usually replies "oh yeah she speaks Spanish"...I believe that at this point Israel would be lost with out Truth in his life!

Aurora...My amazingly caring, wildly individual, very giving little lady...here is where our path has a few bumps. Aurora did not adjust well at first! Actually up until about 5 days ago I was a little unsure about her ever accepting Truth as her sister! Aurora became very anxious, she did not want to be near Truth or talk to her. She was VERY jealous of any attention that I would give to Truth and she was very whiny!!!!! Thanks be only to Jesus that she is coming around. Well not really "coming around" more so "came around" right this second Aurora is sleeping IN Truths room! They have been sharing Truths room for the past 6 nights :). Aurora seems like she is now ok with being knocked off her "oldest girl in the house post"...she is now trying to dress like Truth, do her hair the same, and I can always find those two together! They love doing nails, hair, lotion, and make up together...they have started getting their clothing out the night before to make sure it matches LOL and Truth makes sure that Aurora goes to sleep at night! Over all they are doing GREAT now!

Selah...My extremely playful, very affectionate, super smiley child with FPIES...Selah is Selah lol. She loves Truth on her terms. She occasionally becomes annoyed at the amount of attention Truth wants to give her but typically plays nicely. Selah has become very used to Truth helping with her care...she loves for Truth to put her into and take her out of her carseat! She WILL take a nap for her and allows Truth to change her diaper. I am glad to know the Selah will NEVER remember life before Truth!

TRUTH...My amazingly thankful, extremely full of personality, very loving PRE
TEEN...Truth has adjusted fantastic so far! She loves her brothers and sisters totally and fully and NORMALLY! All the fears that where whispered into my ear have proven to be nothing but fears. I know that at any moment Truth could start throwing fits or items ;) but I think I am prepared for that! Truth loves helping around the house! She is teaching her siblings how to make their beds because she is the BEST bed maker EVER! She loves pretty much everything we cook and lets us know when she is unhappy! She has been opening up and "sharing" as much as she can! She is openly affectionate with both me and Ryan! At the end of the day she asks for Daddy to pray with her and then uses her hands and opens them like a book asking him to read her Bible!! Truth is just plain FANTASTIC...

With Truth being so fantastic I am afraid that we have a little too pretty of a story of older child adoption. I do not want to trick anyone into wanting to walk this path as I know that not all paths are this "easy". I am just blown away day after day at how normal this all feels!

The praise belongs ONLY to Jesus...

The next big thing...

This is not what you think it is...this is not a special post about how wonderful it is that I will be picking up Truth in the am...this is not a post about the emotional ups and downs that I have felt making it this far...This is a post about a true struggle that I am having here. Now. With myself...

I am struggling with not being angry...at who...at you. Harsh, I am aware! I am angry that I have friends who seem to value things more then people...yes you the one saying no I don't...I am angry that I value things more then people. "But Dani you are amazing and you adopted so many kids with so many needs" I know but that is not enough. It is not enough that we do nice things, adopt cute kids, give tiny bits of money, SHOW OFF ON FB the tiny things that we do. I am guilty of it too don't worry I am not judging anyONE specific but I am angry at us all. Yes I more then likely am experiencing this because outside my window there are people starving, let that sink in PEOPLE ARE STARVING...get it? When is the last time that you were actually STARVING? Not hungry...I mean you don't know where the next meal is coming from , NOTHING on reserve type of starving? If you are reading this and you HAVE experienced this then I am so very sorry! Sorry I was too self centered to see your need! For my friends who say "Dani we honestly do not have ANY extra!"...do you EVER eat out? Do you EVER eat more then needed? Ever throw food away? Do you own more then one shirt, pair of pants, pair of shoes, car, house? Do your children play sports?...um extra.

The other evening I had coffee with someone who I have quickly fallen in love with! During our chatting she told me a story of a church in Haiti (you know that place that you feel sorry for so you send some money every now and then) where the paster will close the doors and say "you are not leaving until we have enough money to cover this need"...he has also said things like "if you have two coats go and sell one"...this church in Haiti is sacrificing, not the kind of sacrificing that sponsoring one child does...the kind of sacrifice that hurts, that they feel daily, and that LEADS THEM TO TURN TO THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TRULY PROVIDE FOR US!!!!!!!!

Wow do I feel selfish! ALL 6 of my children have TOO much! Ryan and I have more then necessary!!!! We have a large tv, nice home, and two cars!!!!! I am NOT saying the God is asking us to all live in poverty!! But I am implying that we are too selfish! I am also NOT saying that all of my friends need to run out and adopt! What I am saying is that we NEED to care for others sacrificially .that may look like sponsoring multiple children and not having cable, that may look like doing without your daily coffee to buy a well of clean water somewhere in the world, it may look more radical for you...like doing with one car, one tv, one computer...hehe or no tv (did I really just say that! I LOVE TV...oh and FB)

So friends please...give more then you have...let yourself be uncomfortable...allow your children to miss the next big thing...and yield the amazing joy that ONLY comes to those who LIVE IN HIM!!

Digging in the DIRT...again????

I need to publicly offer a huge THANK YOU to the individual who has chosen to repeatedly report claims about us to our local children and youth!!!! If it were not for you we would not have ever had so many amazing opportunities to show just how FANTASTIC this Fasnacht Family truly is!!!!!

Thank you for giving us a chance to totally brag about what an amazing Father and Husband Ryan is! By claiming that he is not involved and hardly ever home CYA was able to hear all the wonderful stories that our therapy team were more then glad to share...such as how Ryan comes home at lunch to not only help with school transport but with lunch prep and spends those few extra minutes with the children...or how his "many trips" were actually 2 trips one to Ethiopia to adopt our daughter and one to Honduras through Compassion International paired with the company that he is employed by!...or how truly impressed our BSC is with how involved Ryan is with our behavior plans for the children!!!!!

Thank you for giving us a chance to show how far and wide we have searched, and are continuing to search, for help for our children with needs! Your claims that our discipline was harsh and our sleeping arrangements were wrong opened doors for social workers to learn what home life looks like raising children with traumatic pasts! CYA was thrilled with the amount of services we have taken advantage of! Our pediatrician, BSC, MT, TSS, Trauma therapist, and staff at Hershey medical were MORE THEN HAPPY to share their thoughts and opinions on the subject...and lets just say they made us shine!!!!

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to meet an amazing social worker at Hershey Medical Center!!! Though you may think that I am going against medical advice by not having my sons tonsils out the Drs were VERY QUICK to clarify that there were more tests that needed done and the Dr performing the surgery still has questions regarding the safety of the procedure! Honestly how am I to remove tonsils...I am SO NOT a Dr!!!! I loved getting to spend HOURS on the phone making sure that I was in no way harming my child (just to make sure) by not having his tonsils out yet!

Thank you for the ability to educate children and youth of Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome (FPIES) and how a bolus feed works, by questioning why Selah is not "hooked up" 24 hours a day I was able to share that she eats four times a day 200ml at a time over the course of 45 mins...this will teach her that there are "eating times" so she does not completely forget how to "eat". The social worker found everything very interesting and thought that Selah looked very healthy. This social worker will now be BLESSED to meet Dr Ammons when she verifies my words tomorrow!!!!

Thank you for sharing your concern that Selah had tasted a strawberry! I may very well have been concerned as well if it had not been under medical direction that we trialed strawberries. For your information after our official diagnosis Selah has tried (and failed) pedilyte, bananas, and strawberries...which means that after a period of time her body decided that the food is a dangerous substance and rejects it. Her reactions could be as mild as an elevated WBC and loose stool to a full reaction where she vomits to the point of dehydration and possible shock. I feel OVERLY BLESSED that your concern is spreading the news about FPIES!!!!!!!!

This blog is written in FULL TRANSPARENCY and TOTAL HONESTY I love spending time with individuals who are needing to learn of the love of Jesus and along with my children's needs comes a lot of people!!!!!! Thank you for bringing an entire other agency into our lives that we can hopefully impresses upon them the UNFAILING and EVER PRESENT love of our Jesus!!!!!!

My only fear in all of this is that there are truly needy families who would completely benefit from the services that CYA can provide...and because we are taking up so much of their time I fear that others may be missing out! I am very thankful for the therapy teams that we have worked with through out the years and especially how quickly they jumped into action to help protect us as a family and my children as individuals! I am sad to say that a couple of my children are really struggling with CYA involvement, though we have some over the top therapists who have given extra just to make sure they feel safe (even our trauma therapist who
had discharged our boys arranged an appointment RIGHT AWAY!!!!!....now that is Jesus is skin right there, pure love!!!)

Family and Friends as you read this PLEASE do not become upset with whoever has chosen to spend their time digging in the dirt. PLEASE start to pray for them RIGHT NOW!!!! I believe that this person or people really need to not only feel Jesus but to SEE JESUS!!!! Now trust me I have tried on the emotions of being angry, upset, embarrassed, hurt, ashamed...and then thankfulness...and I must say that thankfulness feels SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!

My prayer is that CYA will see the truth that God knows about our family, that where ever the calls are coming from God will send someone to meet them where they are at and help them begin to heal!!!! I pray for peace for this person or people I pray for strength for them I pray for protection from their lies!!!!! Please Lord forgive them for their claims against us as I am SURE you have forgiven me for feeling angry at them. I ask this NOW IN JESUS NAME AMEN!!!!!!!

Satan text me!!!!!

I believe that I must truly be on the right path...walking as closely (with human error) to Jesus as I can. I can feel Satan is attempting to attack me! I will not go into all the details but to sum it up two children in the ER was not bad enough I now have had a battle of words with someone in our lives. (I am leaving out ALL identifying information, I believe in transparency but NOT in destroying someone else so that I can move forward!). I think that it was Satan who sent me the text message saying "I think you need help. Amazing how all "your children" have mental or physical illnesses. Get yourself help..." I responded and said "thank you for showing me that a relationship with you at this time is not possible...I am sorry...I hope that someday in the future we are able to have an appropriate relationship"

These are snippets of the text chatting that took place this am. I have to say it caught me off guard and I immediately became hurt, disappointed, angry, and defensive. I felt the need to ensure that my love for my children was believed and heard! I wanted to defend our parenting, I wanted to so the medical documents supporting everything that has been happening in our home...but I didn't...I talked to a few friends...searched Bible gateway ;)...and came to the conclusion that I need to love this other person.

In loving them I blocked them on Facebook, so that they would not have to see when m family is going through. In loving them I left the door unlocked but closed it for now on our relationship, and n love I am committing to pray for them whenever I can.

 Will say that deciding to love and not freak out is NOT EASY and my body still aches with some of the things that were said. I truly value honesty and when someone questions mine it stings!!!! I was amazed though at the verse that God has literally shoved down my throat this hospital stay!!!!!


1Corithians 13...feel free to red it all ;) the parts that I am marinating in a the idea of truly sharing your love for Jesus needs to begin with loving others...even when it hurts...even when you are tired or weak...I even turned into a church service on tv this am that was ALL about exactly what God has been showing me this hospital stay!!!! All BEFORE satan text me!!!!! Wow God equips me for the struggles to come...what a comfort!!!!!!!!

Oh and side note...Paul in the Bible totally ROCKS! ;)

Disclaimer...when saying that satan text me I am in NO WAY saying that the person who is upset wit me is evil!!!!!!!!!! I am saying that satan is attempting to trip me up through this person...

Mom to Admire...

The frantic words of a panicked mother were heard by many in the early hours of May 13 2013. This "Mom to Admire" was a hot mess from 1:03 am until 1:45 am...

The Full Story...(I did not know all the details until the end...)

Around 12:30 am Ryan awoke to the sound of the basement door that leads to the first floor being kicked or punched. We routinely block the basement door due to the boys waking during the night and terrorizing the house, eating foods they are allergic to, just being untrustworthy. This is why our son was unable to get through the door. Ryan quickly turned on his cell phone and checked the camera that we have in the basement. This camera is great we are able to monitor the boys with out actually going down, so they do not really know that we are watching. Ryan watched as our son silently raged, calmed down, and returned himself to bed just before 1:00 am. At this point Ryan switched the camera to the record mode and then switched back so he could check again PANIC ONE OF THE BOYS WAS GONE AND THE BASEMENT DOOR WAS HANGING OPEN!!!!! Ryan jumped out of bed, fully clothed in his UNDERWEAR, and booked it through the house to the basement FULLY expecting that our son would be standing on the patio growling at him just looking for attention, he was NOT there. Ryan ran to the back yard, no child. He ran to the front of the house...because really our child WOULD NOT go further then this, right!...our little boy was not there or ANYWHERE ELSE to be seen. Ryan ran back into the house, threw on clothing awoke me grabbed a flashlight and ran back outside. I sprung awake grabbed a flashlight and went to the basement because my son HAD to be there Ryan MUST have missed something...I tore the room apart looking in places that made absolutely no sense. I ran out back and ran into my neighbors basement and started yelling for him...nothing...This is where I started to lose a bit of my mind and stopped dead in my tracks to ask the ONE AND ONLY who could tell me what to do. I PLEADED with Jesus to guide me like no other I need WISDOM NOW...I basically demanded that my son be fine and that this would be a story in the morning. The peace that came upon me is something that I cannot put into words, this is something that I have felt MANY times in the past, it honestly is as if Jesus steps down from Heaven grabs onto me as tight as He can. I instantly yelled to Ryan (who has been searching in the woods) that I am calling 911...the time stamp on my phone says 1:20 am, after talking with Ryan later we figured out that combined we had looked about 10 mins before I called...911 said they would send police to take a report. I then quickly ran to Amii and Travis' house and woke them up (TOTALLY by ringing the doorbell 4 or 5 times and banging on the door...sorry friends!!!!!) I was starting to panic and asked them to check their house. They quickly jump to it just as if he were their OWN child!!! Within minutes they were joined by Anthony and Britnee (more neighbors...oh and let me add my neighbors ARE family and ARE my village!!!!!) I honestly am not sure where everyone went but everyone scattered to search for my son. I called Beth to begin praying she headed our way. The police arrived at 1:24 and started collecting information...they were extremely kind but were moving slower then I could comprehend...I could NOT understand why they were worried about the spelling of our names while my little guys was GONE. I still felt the off sense of peace and knowledge that my little man was FINE just LOST. I cut the poor police officer off as he was insisting that the little guy was hiding in the house...and said something along the line of "I DON"T THINK YOU ARE LISTENING TO ME MY SON IS MISSING, HAS BEEN MISSING, IS IN PJS, AND I AM GETTING PANICKED THAT YOU ARE JUST TAKING NOTES" (caps needed...not my proudest moment). He seemed taken back by the now crazy mommy standing in front of him...I mean just a moment before I had been calm and compliant. He quickly followed me into the house and to the boys room and then understood how there was no way that he was in the house somewhere and started calling for a tracking dog...the first was a no go and he got visibly upset that they had said NO to sending the dog to find my LITTLE BOY! A second police officer made his way to the basement and assured me that they WOULD get a dog asap that they already had the fire rescue team on their way and they were gathering volunteers to begin searching after the dog did his thing...He asked if he could check the whole house...I said yes and just let him know the girls were sleeping upstairs. While in the basement I discovered that my son had wet his pants and taken them off...so now I was not sure if he even had pants on and I found his sneakers so his feet were bare. More questions, more answers...I walked back upstairs and told my now awake other boys with me. The fire men were here asking questions, Britnee came in to be with me, right as the police officer was telling me that the dog was arriving and he was going outside to meet him a call came across the radio that my son had been found by and ambulance, he was FINE, and was on his way home!!!!!!!It was only 1:45 am!!!! I feel like God removed my ever calm presence to MAKE my voice be heard!!!! I honestly think that mondo crazy mom got the police moving at a MUCH faster rate!!!! They were all of a sudden taking me VERY seriously and if they had not called EVERYONE that ambulance would not have been in the right place at the right time!!!!


He was fine...hardly even cried...The police were very concerned for the panicked mommy ;)...stating that the level of stress that I had just endured was enough to send someone into cardiac arrest...LOL they MUST NOT read my blog ;)...They insisted that after I handed my little man off to Daddy that I be checked out. I was FINE totally FINE (like that word....God is GOOD all the time!!!!) Beth arrived and made sure all was well...everyone surrounded us as we let the dust settle a little and begin the healing from the burst of trauma that entered our home (or exited) at 1:00 am...Everyone slowly filed back into their cars and homes and Ryan and I settled in to talk with our son and see if he could explain at all why he would have run away.

We were fully expecting him to say he was "lost" and "scared"...that he started out mad or angry and then just got mixed up...but instead he very calmly explained that he chose to run away because he no longer wanted to be in our home that he would rather live at a hospital (He was found at Norlanco)...He said that he heard Travis, Anthony, Daddy, and Mommy yelling and that made him "run faster". He said he knew he was not allowed to cross the street but did because he wanted to leave. He said that he saw three police cars and one police truck with its lights on and hid so they could not find him...he sat down to rest and that is when the ambulance spotted him...he showed no signs of remorse or fear of what he had done. We explained how scared we were and how much we love him and would miss him so very much if anything happened to him. We had him finish the night sleeping in our room, where he will be sleeping until further notice. Ryan and I crawled into bed around 4:45 am.

I am mostly at a loss for what to think or feel about what happened last night. My body was wrecked with so many emotions and feelings that I am mostly numb as I type this. His behavior therapist is due to come at any moment and he is beginning rage #5 for the day.

If I take nothing else from this I can say to ANY unbelievers that Jesus IS real and IS here...That is the ONLY way that I made it though last night. My neighbors can never be re paid for how quickly and lovingly they surrounded us in this moment of need...In all he was gone for 45 mins and made it about 1/2 a mile from the house before being found. We are asking for everyone to join us in prayers for ANSWERS even if the answers are NOT what we want...

Before anyone chooses to look at me as a "Mom to Admire" MAKE SURE that you look at me as a HOT MESS!!!!!!!

A HUGE THANK YOU!!!

Any of you who follow along with us on Facebook may have seen my prayer request from 5 hours ago asking...

"A very important e-mail was sent to Ethiopia last night!!!! I would love it if everyone would join me in praying that the RIGHT person receives it and is able to move this mountain !!!! We have SEEN God to bigger things then this!!!


2 HOURS AGO OUR PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED AND THE ANSWER WAS YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had not explained what the e-mail was about...WACAP was placing a special request for the embassy to begin the investigation on Hirite BEFORE June 6th. They were of NO obligation to do that. Procedure is that they begin the investigation AFTER the lab results are back....

Here is the EXCITING email that I got...

"Danielle,
We heard back from the Embassy. They are willing to begin their investigation before waiting for sputum test
results. So that is great! How long it will be for all to be completed after the lab results are obtained will still be unknown. But at least we know they will expedite their process and are trying to help cut down on time."

SO I wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for everyone who joined us in asking for this to happen!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRUTH WILL BE HOME SOON I CAN FEEL IT!!!!

James:1 2-4

It is physically painful to type this...and yes I am being a bit dramatic...I just got a phone call from our adoption agency!!! When the number showed up I quickly answered it with full anticipation that I would be hearing my social worker squeal with joy that we would be traveling soon, or at least that our case has been approved and we need to talk about travel!! With how difficult life has felt here the past couple months I thought for sure that this was God sending a ray of hope my way, guiding me out of this all consuming darkness that has been closing in on me.

The first words out of her mouth were "This is NOT an exciting phone call"...talk about a total joy kill, my heart dropped to my feet and I wanted to vomit all while driving my children home from their dentist appointment. What she went on to explain is that the embassy has not been giving them any straight answers as to what the hold up is with our case...and they finally just today got some answers. The embassy has decided, VERY RECENTLY, to change the long test from 8 weeks to 9 weeks

[Please pause here with me as I received a call from the school that one of my children was having behavioral difficulties and was not allowed onto the bus...had to pick him up and he is currently waiting for me to finish typing to find out what his punishment is]

anyway...they are changing the test from 8 to 9 weeks AND have changed it from children OVER age 10 to say children 10 and over!!! So this test that Truth did not have to wait on she now does. Her test was done on April 4th WACAP said that means that it will be complete June 6th and then the embassy will begin its process which can take a week to three weeks or MORE. WACAP is highly frustrated by this and are "in awe at how gracefully we are handling it all"

I would not call the emotions that I am feeling Grace...

I am reminded AGAIN of James 1 2-4
^" Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

I am confident that God is shaping me into what He needs but it certainly is painful right now...

Please pray with us that Truth is CONFIDENT in our LOVE and DESIRE for her!!! That she is POSITIVE that we WILL return for her and that she is ABLE to SEE God in ALL this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The ring she is wearing in this phone was my "wedding ring" that I got and wore in Ethiopia I asked her to keep it safe for me!!!!)