Praying for a refill...

If anyone is reading this beware. I am over tired and under thinking even before I am allowing myself to type these words.

Guys, I.am.drowning. I am grasping for breath and running out of the fight it takes to brake the surface and inhale. The worst part is that this is happening in full public view, as if I were in a glass box in the middle of town. I have reached out for help, begged for help, cried out to girlfriends and family and most of them offer to pray for me, which is fantastic if it is true. Thankfully the violence level in my home is at an all time low (praise Jesus) we are seeing huge progress in some areas. I am able to see the joy in all of that though I have lost my ability to feel any happiness attached to that joy. Physically I have too many things going on chat about here but just know the daily physical pain is getting to me.

I finally see the path to true healing for my children, true unconditional love. As in TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Love that hurts and is messy. Love with little happiness and tiny rewards. Love with an unimaginable amount of grace. Love that no matter what refuses to give up...this takes years and years and apologies and grace and forgives. This take truly placing yourself last to those you are loving. This takes being "beaten" and "abused" time and time again knowing that it is  their defensive shield and not the scared child who is terrified to allow you in.

The problem with this new sight is that I have been viewing those in my life with a new perspective. I now wonder why those who can see me dying can offer nothing more then prayers. Goodness if this is the view that the world has on "Christians" I don't want to stand anywhere near that label or thought pattern. I officially am no longer a Christian. I am and forever will be a Christ Follower but I fear I have wandered too far away from "modern Christianity" I cannot live a life full of people who promise prayer just to get out of tangible assistance.

In this moment of physical pain and emotional death I am screaming praises that I can see the lies.  I am overly thrilled that we found "home" for some of my children in an amazing private school that takes part of my burden. I can see Jesus in my life every single day. I will never lose trust in who Jesus is. My forever is secure...my here and now just hurts like hell. The daily fight is overwhelming. Fighting the public school system sucks me dry and clinging to my children's healing is wearing me thin.

If anyone would please join me in really praying that someone would want to love me unconditionally, seems stupid and desperate to even ask that. My pride is at my feet. See I have experienced that love before and it is wonderful. I need healing and health so that I can continue being everything my children need. God would not have placed each of these children/mini adults in my care without having a plan to refill me over and over. Begging for that refill now.

The tale of 3 coats...

Recently God has been flooding my family with provision after provision. I believe He knows that the tough spot we are in with some of my children could completely crush us and He is lightening the load through His people. My son who struggles with violence and aggression has been hospitalized again due to behavior. The Drs are literally at a loss for a treatment plan and have decided (with our permission) to start a terrible medication. This medication is the end of the road of available medications to treat my precious child. The Drs were very interested in how the essential oils were able to maintain him for 7 whole months! They are offering the suggestion that we do meds from October through April and then wean the month of April to use just oils from May through September. You know these oils must be pretty awesome for the medical staff at a hospital to ask me to use them 6 months out of the year. With all that going on we also have another child in our home who is following the same path that this child had tracked. We have every therapy set up and tons of medical appointments to rule out other causes. Between hospital trips and medical appointments just these two children are proving to be a full time job. Not to mention preparing for a grandchild to join our family, a child starting in the public school system, regular medical, dental and vision checks, Ryan moving to a new more demanding position at work and my current silly health issues.

God was preparing us and our village for these events without us even knowing it.

If anyone doubts that my God is real then you need to walk through part of this week with me. Background in a nutshell...The kids do not all have snow pants this year NOT A NEED so I honestly have not been overly concerned We are devoted to paying off our debt this year and so even when I found pairs at goodwill I passed them saying "God will fill this want if he decides to".  The night before last night a dear friend contacted me asking if we needed any snow pants (praise Jesus) I told her that yes we could use them! She also offered a jacket or two and that got me a little more excited because one of the boys is really growing and his jacket is getting snug.  She offered to meet the very next morning (yeah snow is coming) and so we made plans. Yesterday (the day of the meet up) I woke up late, not sure how that happened as there is always someone up needing something!, so I rushed to get my brand new first grade student ready and in the car for school. His jacket was the one that is too small so I had decided to let him use his brothers jacket and found that this brother had totally broken the zipper and other parts of this jacket. I skipped food of any kind and was really feeling it walking through the school halls with my two babies that I nanny and some of my children. Side note I have been trying really hard to eat more during the day mono had taken over too much and I was only able to eat at night so now I am attempting to get my body back on track. I ran home picked up the rest of my children and headed out to meet for the winter clothing. When I arrived my friend got out of her car and handed me a smoothie!!!!!! She had made enough for her and her Husband as usual but he is out of town so she brought it to ME! God was FEEDING ME...She then gave us the winter clothing and surprised me with a pair of boots. I stood there in complete shock trying not to melt down emotionally (thinking back I probably looked rude...SORRY) as I prepared to look at the size thinking "I know God loves our family but seriously providing boots there is no chance they are the right size". Well they were the right size, see I have been searching consignment shops for weeks for a size 2 boot for Truth and here they were placed into my hands with no strings attached just because another family loves my Jesus and wants to care for my children! She did not know that Truth needed boots she just followed Gods promoting to give to my family!!! We thanked her and parted ways. When I arrived home I was shocked to find there were enough pants for all the big kids! When I started looking at the jackets I was becoming an emotional wreck...there was not 1 jacket, not 2 jackets BUT 3 JACKETS! It was as if Jesus was saying "I am replacing the one that is too small, I knew one was broken so I got that too...and we all know that child is rough on everything so here is another so there are no worries". He covered this tiny tiny need of ours. I love how much Jesus can be found in the details of my days I pray that I never ever loose the ability to see and recognize Him.

That is just a glimpse of the care I have received! I cannot count the number of times friends have stopped in with lunch for me or supper for my family. Our village has taking my children for play dates and special treats. They have offered me hours and hours of adult conversation. They have driven my children to events and activities so that I can be at the hospital. My big girls Betty and Truth have filled in the gaps where needed and have totally rocked it! My family has been built not born and I would not have it any other way!!!!

Praise Jesus for the details that I overlook and thank you everyone who has continued to say YES!

3 years ago today this verse was what I was praying over and over as I asked for life for Selah and I...it seems very fitting for this season of life as well.

“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
Matthew 7:7-8 MSG